Sub Chicago

So long, farewell.

2008-05-19T22:29:00.005-05:00

Wow, over a month since I last posted. And this is my LAST POST EVER, probably. Unless I get bored or else start another semi-anonymous blog, in which case I'll make a note of it here so that all those loyal fans of mine can find me.

Things are going great at the new job... I've got a lot of responsibility and a lot of big projects in the making. Not bad for someone who was, just a few months ago, trying to keep track of kids in a crowded CTA tunnel, picking cheese out of my hair, and trying to hold my bowels and my temper while dealing with about a zillion 13 year olds.

Despite all that, the sub gig was a pretty good one. It kept me (mostly) housed and fed over the past 9 months, and it gave me a lot of street cred when talking about CPS. It didn't directly help me get a job in the end (I'm not going to be doing much classroom management at the museum, so it wasn't listed on the resume), but it did make me feel a lot more comfortable interacting with students of all ages.

Honestly though, keeping the blog was the best part. Could you tell?!?

Seriously, it's been real. Thanks for reading!!

Blog Apathy and Hair Products

2008-04-14T19:15:00.005-05:00

Given that 200 people have checked out my blog since the last posting and zero have voted, I have concluded that y'all suck.

In other news, I'm determining what to wear to work on Wednesday, my first day, as well as pondering what to do with my hair. See you on the flip side.

No More Subbing = Sleep in Late

2008-04-11T09:17:00.005-05:00

I mentioned that I had a sub job scheduled for last Friday... Well I did, but then they canceled at 6:30 am, which made my morning because I hadn't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep that night. So when they woke me up at 8 am to re-hire me for the day, I said NO! It was freeing, I tell you.

I got a ton of calls this week and I had a reason to say NO! every day. It would have been nice to have the money, but I needed the time to apartment search (I'm moving closer to work), hang out with friends before my life is bounded by a 9-5 schedule, and do a little research for my upcoming job so I'm not totally clueless during my first week.

Now I'm starting to tell schools as they call that I have a job. It's exciting sometimes (one front office lady, whom I've actually never met, erupted into congratulations for me. It was a little much for me to take at 6:30 am), and sometimes sad (I don't get to say goodbye to teachers and kids at the the private school or at my favorite high school). But we move forward.

My new job starts on Wednesday. Vote on ideas for what to do with this blog:

A) Find another snarky sub to take over. (Might take some work- Tard Blog NEVER got a replacement... and that blog is way better than this one.)

B) Allow site to fall into oblivion. (Easy)

C) Continue to blog about my new, non-sub life on this site or a new one (Difficult, given that I wouldn't be able to say much about the museum while remaining anonymous.)

D) Offer domain name to subs of the BDSM variety; site changes form dramatically, though will perhaps maintain one or two readers?

E) Other: __________________

Vote early, vote often.

Eric Cartman as Substitute Teacher

2008-04-10T21:36:00.005-05:00

I couldn't resist. The newest South Park episode features Cartman as a substitute teacher, heinous inner city school stereotypes, Stand and Deliver references (lots), and a big ol' dose of phallophobia.

Enjoy!

(Parts 2 and 3 are also on Youtube, so you can see the whole episode.)

The Cat's Out of the Bag!

2008-03-31T00:56:00.006-05:00

Yes, you might have guessed it already, but I got a job!

It's at a historical museum in Chicago, and I'll be working in the education department. Very exciting stuff, given that this is exactly why I came to Chicago and went to graduate school. Hooray!!

I suppose this means that Sub Chicago will soon come to an end. Or, perhaps there's another sub out there who would like to take over the site?

Either way, I wanted to take this opportunity to ask all you lurkers out there to say hello. I know people are reading this blog (well, not a LOT of people, but my counter is tracking about 20-30 a day, which is pretty surprising to me!), so take the plunge and tell us about yourselves! And thanks for reading!

In the meantime, I have one sub job on Friday at a charter middle/high school. Should be an interesting one.

No Coloring On Other People

2008-03-27T23:26:00.006-05:00

I haven't subbed since my last entry, but I have been teaching Spring Break Camp at a local art studio. Fun! I hung out last week with 5 elementary students and this week I've got 3 preK/Kindergarten kids. They're super cute, if somewhat more trying.

It's all fun and games until somebody pokes an eye out.

I realize that I'm much better with older kids than younger ones. Elementary is ok, middle school is great and high school good too, but kindergarten is rough! These kids are wild and all they want to do is play star wars (or "lightsavers," as one girl calls it) until someone gets hurt. They're so cute; I feel bad that I spend all day telling them "no!" "don't do that!" "stop running!" and "holy @#%$ you just made another huge mess!!"

But what I really wanted to blog about was this sign of classroom rules I found in the kindergarten classroom. It written by last week's teacher, who I heard was having some problems with bad language in her class and apparently with these other items as well. I'll try to scan it if I can find a scanner to use because it seems funnier if you can see it in the nice teacher handwriting, but this is what the sign says:

1) NO FIGHTING

2) NO BAD WORDS

3) NO SPYING

4) NO COLORING ON OTHER PEOPLE

5) LISTEN TO TEACHER

I don't even think I really need to comment on that. It's the funniest thing I've seen in ages.

P.S. Today was my LAST DAY at the restaurant!! But my next gig is still a secret, mainly because I'm not yet sure that it's actually going to happen. So you're just going to have to wait until I get the paperwork to find out.

Service With a Smile

2008-03-17T23:38:00.004-05:00

I put in my 2 week notice at my restaurant job today. Why, you might ask? Well, that's a secret for now. All will be revealed in time. But this cartoon pretty much sums up how it feels to be a server:

"Service With a Smile"

Know what I mean?

Two Very Different Schools

2008-03-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

I subbed for two days last week, at two schools that were rather different.

One day was at my favorite college prep school. I was in a kickin' art classroom with a student teacher, meaning that she was on top of things and I pretty much got to observe and lend a hand for the day, which is great. The upper level group was learning how to stretch canvases- a good review for me since I haven't done it in a few years. And the Art I kids were doing a super project. First they had to bring in text messages, voicemail transcriptions, locker notes, emails, or other quick communication. Then they picked one to represent visually. They used a cardboard background that was painted and had mixed media attachments. It's kind of hard to describe, but the projects were totally hilarious. First of all, they were all in text speak, as in "yo grl. how was skul?" Second of all, they were all inside jokes or crazy, confused communication, so the visual representations were really funny. I guess you'll have to take my word for it, but they were great and the students seemed to really enjoy it.

The other day I worked was at a charter high school on the south side. It was a very small school where all the teachers and office staff knew every student's name... impressive. The building was nice and things seemed generally under control, but once I was in the classroom I began to see otherwise. Here too, I was just an observer for the day; the teacher I was supposed to sub for decided to come in. It meant that I spent about 5 hours in the teacher's lounge with NOTHING AT ALL to do except read the Red Eye twice over and feel my brain cells atrophying. But for the other two hours I was "helping teachers" in their classes.

One was a remedial algebra class for 9th graders who had already taken algebra for one semester and failed. I don't know for sure, but most of the class seemed really far behind. At least half of the students are currently failing the class, and only 2 students (out of about 15-18) got A's on the last test. The teacher announced that she would be dropping the students' lowest grade in each category (homework, quiz, test, project) in order to give them a boost. On top of these challenges, the students hardly paid attention throughout the period. Students were throwing things, applying makeup and lotions, yelling across the room, and walking around. The teacher's lesson took 15 minutes longer than she planned because she spent so much time repeatedly saying things like "Deshawn, stop talking." "Kimberly, I told you to put that away." Every single time she said it in a calm and collected manner. And she managed to make some jokes with students, which showed me that she was keeping it together and wasn't too frustrated with the situation (or wasn't showing her frustration anyway). Honestly, the teacher's behavior game me the impression that this was just normal, everyday behavior for the students. And I don't know what to think of it. I was impressed that the teacher stayed so cool; if I had been subbing and this had been my day, I would have considered it to be a disaster. Maybe my standards are too high? Or maybe you just get used to it if you see it every day, all year long. I don't think the teacher's classroom management techniques were ideal; repeating yourself just shows students that they don't have to listen. But she also stayed positive with the students, which is important.

The second class that I assisted in was a business class. They had someone from the charter school corporation co-teaching the class, and he was teaching students to flip houses. Weird, right? It was a pretty interesting project because students used floorplan.com to design and furnish houses, then they competed to flip the houses for the most money in a hypothetical situation. Again, the students performed sub-par. The ones who were actually doing the work designed cool houses, but a lot of the students were completely goofing off and complaining throughout the period. Pretty sad, for an elective course that should be pretty interesting for the students.

What do I think is the best way to handle tough situations like these in the classroom? I have no idea, but I'd like to hear your thoughts, if you have any. Teachers, does this sound like typical behavior in urban schools? What about in charter schools?? How do you deal with these situations? What should our expectations be for students, and how can we help them to achieve more? I've got to admit that once again, I haven't been too impressed by charter schools in Chicago.

Encountering Students in the Real World, Part 2

2008-03-05T11:08:00.003-06:00

Silhouette by artists Miller & Shellabarger

I work infrequently at a local art studio, running workshops for kids. Recently I was asked to come up with a workshop for a class of 8th graders who would be visiting on a field trip. I worked out all the details with the studio manager over the phone... and then he told me what school the kids were coming from.

It was a school where I refuse to sub anymore because of the trouble that I've had there.

Oh, snap!

I decided to keep the job, but I was frankly pretty nervous about it. What if the students remembered me as the sub they tortured? What if they were out of control in my art classroom? What if my project sucked and they hated it and decided to mob me??

Ok, so I might have been a little more nervous than need be. I'm the adult in this situation. Right?

I ended up coming up with a neat project for the students based on these super fun silhouettes made by local Chicago artists. And what do you know, they got really into it. Everyone did an awesome job and no one recognized me as their evil substitute teacher. I even had a kid thank me "on behalf of the class" for teaching them.

Encountering Students in the Real World, part 1.5

2008-03-04T11:30:00.005-06:00

Here begins (sort of) a new tag, wherein I discuss encountering my students OUTSIDE of schools. It's a scary, scary thing, but something that all teachers and substitute teachers must be prepared for. What happens, dear friends, when you are at CVS in your sweatpants, bleary-eyed and hungover, looking for some aspirin to help you out... when there! Behind the check-out counter! Scanning all your most private purchases! Is. your. student.

I'm just saying, it happens every so often.

Today's episode of Encountering Students in the Real World is actually listed as 1.5, because the actual 1st Encounter happened before I made a nifty tag for it. You can read about that experience, which was a pleasant one, here.

The 1.5 edition follows.

Welcome. Please don't come again.

A week or two ago, I was working at my restaurant job when a student and her mother show up for dinner. They were in my section, too. I was prepared to pretend that I had never seen the student, but of course she is a really sweet girl and enthusiastically pronounced, "OH! I know you! You sub at my school!!" Yes, and now I'm serving you food. Nice to see you again. Have you been doing your homework? Didn't you like your appetizer? Blech.

What's even more awkward is the fact that her mother felt obligated to engage me in small talk after that, akin to "do you sub in specific classrooms? Do you sub at other schools?" Really, there's not much to say about a sub job (snarky blogging aside), so I didn't feel like the small talk went over that well. I just tried to be enthusiastic. Yes! I have a highly unrewarding job babysitting your child during the day! Oh, yes, it's a blast! Obviously it works out so well for me that I get to have a second job waiting tables at night; aren't I lucky?!

But they did tip well.

Wall of SHAME

2008-02-29T19:47:00.001-06:00

Sometimes substitute teachers have to get a little... creative. Check it out at Chicago Teacher Man.

Next Stop is Whenever.

2008-02-28T23:38:00.005-06:00

I just think this cartoon is hilarious.

http://www.marriedtothesea.com

OMG. More interviews! I'm getting so good at this that I don't even like spend 3 hours preparing like I used to. I just go in and crack a few jokes and talk about what a badass I am and then they ask me to come in again next week. No more sweaty pits or nothin'.

And you know what? It seems to be working. (That or we're back into hiring season. Go figure.) I've been talking with this really cool after school organization and they seem to like me. And I'm still psyched about interviewing for the museum job, although that one will certainly be more competitive.

But it means I haven't subbed in TWO WEEKS. And maybe my schools are going to stop calling me because I keep having to say no? Then I'll have to get a job asap. It's a shake-up anyway you look at it.

Where is my my guest blogger?!?!?! J... we need you more than ever. Don't forget about me!

Someday (soon), I might only work one job.

2008-02-21T14:05:00.007-06:00

I haven't subbed at all this week because I've been interviewing. So far I've interviewed at two family service agencies. I also have an interview at a museum.

One of these jobs pays a whopping $10 per hour with benefits and it's only 30 hrs per week. I don't believe I'll take it.

But the others are salary. Not a large salary, mind you. Not a salary as big as, say, a teacher in CPS (bet you didn't expect me to say that). But... a salary nonetheless.

It would be a big step up. Being on salary means that I could move into my own place and buy more healthy food and a little furniture and, most importantly, stop working 3 jobs. Keep your fingers crossed!

Special Ed Sub Scandal

2008-02-11T15:46:00.003-06:00

Head over to the (awesome, informative, entertaining) District299 blog to read about how it seems that substitute teachers are being placed in CPS Special Education classrooms in order to get around aspects of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) such as paying to have highly qualified teachers in Special Ed classrooms.

The concern, of course, is that Special Ed students aren't getting the assistance they need, which we know they aren't. There is also great concern that under-qualified teachers will be outright harmful to students (see the new teacher who used masking tape to tie a student to a chair).

That said, part of me wonders how one gets these sub jobs in special ed classrooms. I mean, hey. I have an interest in special education and at least some experience working with Special Education students. I know what an IEP looks like. I'm not saying we shouldn't push for IDEA to be upheld, but if under-qualified folks are doing the work already, then it may as well be someone who really cares.

Warm Fuzzies

2008-02-06T22:41:00.001-06:00

Best thing ever today. I was walking home from the bus stop, having subbed at a high school downtown. As I crossed a street, I glanced up at the minivan that waited at the stop light in order to make sure the driver saw me,* and someone in the passenger seat waved to me. It was one of the kids from the private school where I sub! The sweet little 5th grader recognized his substitute teacher all bundled up on a snowy day and waved to her. And smiled. I was so happy after that.

* I got hit by a car recently when I was walking through a crosswalk. The driver had stopped at the crosswalk, but didn't see me right in front of his car. He hit me at a slow speed, then didn't really understand what happened and decided to go forward, meaning he hit me again.

One Word: Homecoming.

2008-02-06T14:42:00.000-06:00

Last Friday was the most... unique... day I've had so far as a substitute teacher. I was at a high school subbing in a Chemistry class, and what do you know but it was their homecoming day.

It was pretty exciting at first. Everyone was decked out in crazy clothing and they painted numbers on their face and dyed their hair in school colors. It meant they weren't particularly interested in Chemistry class, but hey, I'm used to that.

The interesting part of the day was that our bell schedule was accelerated so the students could spend the afternoon traveling to another high school for the Homecoming Pep Rally. Let me be clear here: since this school doesn't have an auditorium large enough to accommodate the entire school, all the students would take a field trip to another school's auditorium. This high school has about 800 students. Buses would have been a logistical disaster, so instead, the school opted to charter a CTA train to take the students to their pep rally.

And I was to go with them.

This was pretty exciting to me at first. Certainly better than teaching Chemistry, right? Anyway, my home room only had 5 students in it, and I figured I could keep a handle on them. I had no real instruction for how to proceed with this field trip, but the morning announcements informed my class that we were to stay together. "Do you hear that?" I said. "I know it will be crazy, but let's please try and stay together." "Um, I don't think so," said my students, "basically we'll all go our separate ways, and you're just supposed to look out for the students who happen to be all around you," they explained. "Pretty please?" I said. Five students whose names I know sounded better than 50 whose I didn't. "OK, we'll do our best," said the students.

Then we went into the CTA tunnel and they promptly lost me. That was ok because there were 795 other students to be looking out for after all. In case you weren't sure, an underground CTA platform holds about 800 people. These 800 people are very, very noisy when they are shouting their graduation years at each other.

Welcome to the Spirit Express

So there we were on the platform together, waiting for the train that was called "The Spirit Express" (you have to drag those words out with a really upbeat announcer voice). It would be completely empty, and it would take us all directly to our destination without other stops. When the Spirit Express finally showed up, everyone screamed a little more and then piled in. So you know, 800 people makes for a crowded CTA train. It was just like rush hour on the brown line: I was fighting for breathing space and smelling the armpits of other riders. But there was one major difference between this and rush hour: these commuters were all 16 years old and STILL screaming their graduation years at each other. It was one hell of a ride.

My favorite part of the whole day, I think, was when the announcement came over the loudspeaker on the train, in that same cheesy announcer voice, "Now you all know that the Spirit Express is... a Respectful Express!" The voice went on to talk about being quiet as we walked into the school or something, but I didn't hear it. I was to busy laughing my ass off about the Respectful Spirit Express and how lame it all was. It was soon after this point that I began to feel bamboozled. The sub coordinator had told me that I might enjoy traveling to the pep rally; that it would be a fun time. On the sweaty train, I realized that man is full of lies.

From there on out I was in no mood for a pep rally. It didn't help that once we got to our destination, I learned that we still had 3/4 mile to trudge through the snow in order to get to the high school (There were about 8 inches of snow on the ground at this point.) The kids were throwing snowballs and falling down in the slush... it was a mess.

Finally we made it to the school, though, and I began to relax and look forward to the pep rally. Too bad it sucked.

Well, ok actually it was probably really cool for a 15 year old. There was a neat marching band that danced a lot, and cheerleaders, and a dance team, and basketball players, and a bunch of kids crowned kings and queens, and a blurry slide show set to party music, and even some pyrotechnics that had to be put out with fire extinguishers. But honestly, I was just not very impressed. The cheerleaders were really lame, I couldn't hear anything anybody said, it only lasted for about 30 minutes, and all I could think was, "THIS is what we came all the way here for??"

It was then that I looked down from the bleachers and saw the special ed kids, who were sitting in the front row. I could only really see the kid who has to wear a helmet all the time, but his helmet was bobbing all around like crazy, and I knew he was having a really excellent time at the pep rally. The special ed kids had to leave half way through for some reason, but I remember wishing that I could have sat next to them and maybe gleaned a little of their enthusiasm for the event.

After the pep rally we were were supposed to escort the kids back to their own high school so they could go to after school activities or something, but I ditched. The sub coordinator had mentioned something about the possibility of leaving work directly from the other high school, so I just did it, no questions asked. On my train out of there, I ran into another substitute who had the same idea. It was kind of like finding other smokers behind the cafeteria, I suppose, although I'm not sure because I never smoked in high school. We talked about how someone would hopefully punch us out for the day and how we probably wouldn't get in trouble for ditching. You know, I may be an adult now (sort of), but cutting school still feels great.

P.S. I've been a bad blogger this year... but I've just been so busy with work and life and everything else that I haven't gotten to it as much as I would have liked. Thanks to those of you who kept reading and commenting anyway! From now on, I might even stop apologizing every post and just write about what happens.

"WHAT'S UP?!?!?"

2008-01-28T23:06:00.001-06:00

Hello, dear blogosphere. It's been a longish break for me, but a needed one.

After a week of zero calls to sub, I 'm back to my ol' shenanigans. Today at my favorite learning disabilities private school, the following conversation occurred between a 4th grade teacher and her class, which includes the Fourth Grade Gangsta (FGG), who is now my most favorite student in the entire world.

Teacher: As you know we are learning about how to write friendly letters today. A friendly letter consists of a return address, heading, greeting, body, closing, and signature. We already know about the return address and heading, so let's talk about greetings. What are some greetings you can give someone in a letter?
student #1: Hi. How are you?
student #2: What have you been doing lately?
student #3: How is your family?
FGG: Well, uh, the greeting that I choose to use is "WHAT'S UP?!?!?" [yelled enthusiastically]
Teacher: Yeah, thanks. And let's talk about closings. What closings can you use at the end of a letter before your signature?
student #1: Sincerely.
student #2: Love.
student #3: Um, yours truly?
FG: Yeah, well, the closing that I use would be "PEACE OUT." [crosses arms gangsta-style]
Teacher: Right. Moving on...

Badass! He wasn't even trying to act out- he was totally serious about it. Maybe it was funnier in person, but i was cracking the fuck up. The teacher was less amused.

Blogging Break

2008-01-23T15:25:00.000-06:00

Hey y'all,

I've got a few things I wanted to write about from my experiences teaching Spanish last week... but I need to focus on some other things right now. Primarily, getting a permanent job. Because this is getting ridiculous.

It is easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day realities that you lose sight of the fact that you're putting up with those things in order to do something more with your life, you know?

I'll be back by next week, I think. See you on the flip side.

When Substitute Teaching is Paradise.

2008-01-16T17:17:00.001-06:00

So THIS is what having a normal job feels like. I've got a sweet set-up teaching Spanish all week at a prep school.

I have the same schedule every day, and it's a golden one.

8:45-11:30am, lunch, 1:15-3:00pm

I see the same kids every day, and they respect me.

They don't goof off, and today someone in the hall called out, "hey look! It's Ms. [insert my name here]! They asked if I would be back tomorrow.

The teachers know and like me.

One of the Spanish teachers said "Oh, so you're subbing for Ms. Garcia? We've heard such wonderful things about you from the substitute coordinator!"

It's easy to get to work.

A CTA bus picks me up 25 yds from my front door and drops me off in front of the school. Until Doomsday, that is.

I know where the bathrooms, refrigerators, and teacher's lounges are.

Hey, this stuff is important.

There are about 100 restaurants in a 2 block radius of the school.

For when I don't have breakfast/lunch. Also important, given some of the areas where I've taught.

OK, OK, so it might not be a "normal" job in any sense of the word... it's way better. And it is most definitely not how I imagined my stint in CPS to be. But just being in one stable environment for 2 days in a row has made a world of difference. I'm not tired and stressed out like usual, because I know what to expect. And I still have two more days of the same. Then, back to the real world...

Hasta luego...

Weird Kids: The Fourth Grade Gangsta

2008-01-14T15:03:00.000-06:00

I spent Friday and Monday at a private school where I often teach. Today was largely uneventful, but on Friday I spent my first day in the fourth grade classroom, which meant I interacted with a whole new group of Weird Kids. There was one W.K. who stood out from the rest: the Fourth Grade Gangsta.

The Fourth Grade Gangsta is a sweet little boy. He is short and scrawny. He wears his blonde hair in a bowl cut. He has bucked teeth and a squeaky voice. He cannot yet pronounce his R's, making his squeaky voice particularly endearing. And this young boy, at the tender age of 9, has decided that he is indeed a gangsta. He wears big baggy pants, sports jerseys, a baseball cap that he doesn't quite fit into yet, and he spends a lot of time talking about Tony Hawk*, cars, guns, and the like. He also uses a lot of slang in the classroom, as in, "Yo, somebody jacked the pencil shawpenuh!" and "My repouht was on the endanguhed Afwican Wild Dog. They'uh weally fweakin' sweet!!"

During free time, all the fourth graders and the two teachers played a big game of tag. (I'm proud to say that I was able to outrun all of them, even when they tried to grab me and hold me down.) But the best part was that during the game, The Fourth Grade Gangsta would throw a peace-out sign (pound chest twice, make sideways peace sign with smug look on face) whenever he escaped the "it" kid.

Rock on with your bad self, W.K.

P.S. I'll be at a prep school "teaching" Spanish Tuesday- Friday this week! More to come once I catch my breath and learn a few useful phrases.

* His morning journal was all about "Tony Hark"... and woah, I just realized that the misspelling was probably his speech impediment working in reverse... he figured that Hawk must be spelled with an "r" because he says it with a "w," the way he pronounces all his "r's." Heh.

Block Hording and Other Experiences in the Kindergarten Classroom

2008-01-10T00:32:00.001-06:00

These children are hoarding blocks in between their crossed legs as we speak.

This morning I got an assignment to work at a south side charter school that I haven't been to before. It took me 3 f-ing months to get the paperwork through CPS in order to work there (hello, 320 N. Elizabeth, again), so I'm glad they finally decided to call me. The unfortunate side of it was that I stayed overnight last night far away from where the school is located. Dammit. But I didn't want to make a bad impression, so I accepted the job and ran out of the apartment unshowered and rather unkempt.

But I had kindergarteners! Yippee! It's hard work teaching the little ones, but it always makes for an interesting day (for better or worse). Today was no exception, though it was remarkably better than previous munchkin experiences in CPS. Today I only had 25 students (imagine!) and one great teacher's aid. Thank god, because otherwise I wouldn't have known what the hell was going on in that classroom. But it was a good school- when I walked in, the kids were in technology class. Remember that these kids are only 5 years old. Also, almost all of them could read, which seemed impressive for halfway through kindergarten, though I'm really not an expert on this age group. They could recognize big words like "because" on sight, and most could read out of simple books. I did encounter a couple who couldn't read yet and seemed to have already given up on the idea; but I'd say the majority of the class was on track. The other nice thing about today was that I got a lot of hugs from the children, which made me feel warm and gooey inside.

The teacher's aid thought the kids were poorly behaved all day, but I didn't think it was so bad. The students were chatty, but there was only one point in the day when they were nearly out of control: math class. See, the teacher left pattern blocks for the kids to play with, but there were only about 50 blocks for the entire class. It isn't fun to play with blocks when you only get 2, so in a genius move, I broke the kids into groups so they could play with blocks together.

Children learn math skills from pattern blocks. Somehow.

That quickly turned out to be a disaster. The groups still didn't have enough blocks to be satisfied (and rightly so), so they resorted to block hording, grabbing, and fighting. There were tears, and yelling, and somebody even got pinched. So I stopped everything and told the kids we had a new plan. Now, we were going to play a game with the blocks. The groups were now to be called teams, and when I would give out directions, each team would compete to do what I said the fastest. Then I explained that you do not fight with team members and if you do, you will certainly lose the game, because you have to work together to complete the directions. I thought it was a pretty smart plan, if only it had worked.

The kids were really excited about the game, but it wasn't long after I called out my directions, "organize your blocks by shape!," that 2 out of 5 groups were back to fighting. More tears, more pinching. My other three groups took first through third place and were quite proud of themselves. The 2 fighting groups never finished the challenge. Again I stopped, but this time I collected the blocks and proceeded to explain for the second time that day how important it is for children to behave for a substitute teacher. My favorite line is, "you wouldn't act like this in front of your teacher, would you?" If only that line worked with high school students. I also let them know that I would write a letter to their teacher telling her how everyone behaved (they were shocked). The end of that conversation went like this:

me: "Do you want me to write a good letter, or a bad letter to your teacher?"
students: "Good!"
me: "I thought so. And what are some of the things you can do to make sure that your teacher gets a good letter? Raise your hands."
kiddie #1: "Be quiet."
kiddie #2: "Listen to the teacher."
kiddie #3: "Keep your bottom in the chair."
kiddie #4: "Show mutual respect."

... Mutual respect?! That's pretty impressive vocabulary for a 5 year old.

But the best line of the day was when a girl named Lashonda came back from art class near to tears. She said the teacher sent her back to "flip her card." for those who haven't been in kindergarten recently, that means the child has to take his or her card, which starts on green, and switch it to yellow or red for bad behavior. It's the same as the traffic light method for monitoring behavior, except it's way harsh when the students have to flip their own cards.

This is how the day starts. It rarely ends like this.

Lashonda took her card out, which was already on yellow, and looked at it for a good five minutes. Then she asked me what color she should flip it to, as if she didn't know. Then she said, "my mama told me I'd better not have to flip my card. She said I'm gonna get a whoopin' if I do." I wasn't really sure how to respond to this. I blinked a couple of times and said in a deadpan voice, "well, what have learned from this experience?" Her answer: "don't flip my card?" Nice try, honey.

Books I Have Read While at Work

2008-01-07T22:45:00.000-06:00

marriedtothesea.com

In my old sub job, I spent my days reading all the modern classics that I never read in high school. It was great.

These days I'm a little less focused in my readings, but here is a semi-complete list of books I've read thus far in my stint with CPS:

Brought from Home:
The School of Beauty and Charm-- Melanie Sumner
Calling Out-- Rae Meadows

Coming of Age in Mississippi-- Anne Moody
On Subbing: The First Four Years-- Dave (no last name published)

Borrowed from Teachers' Bookshelves:
Me Talk Pretty One Day-- David Sedaris
There Are No Children Here: The Story of Two Boys Growing Up in the Other America-- Alex Kotlowitz
Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong-- James W. Loewen
The Skin of our Teeth-- Thorton Wilder

The list of books I read during my old sub job is more impressive (see: pretentious), methinks. From what I remember:

The Sun Also Rises-- Hemingway
The Good Earth-- Pearl S. Buck
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-- Ken Kesey
L'Etranger-- Camus
The Sheltering Sky-- Paul Bowles
The Catcher in the Rye-- J.D. Salinger

Got any book recommendations?? I've got some time on my hands.

Back to the Grind (or, how I keep myself busy during the day)

2008-01-07T15:19:00.001-06:00

Today was CPS's first day back. To prepare, I went to bed early and made sure I could jump up as soon as I got a call in the morning. I figured there would be teachers out there who just weren't quite ready to end their breaks... and I would be waiting to take on their students.

And indeed, I did get a call to work today, although it was half way through first period. Seems the substitute coordinator didn't make it to school himself, so the front office lady was charged with the job of finding subs for the day on top of all her other duties. But, she seems to like me (I'm telling you... this is crucial!), so she called me in.

This was at a great school (one of US New's top 100 schools!) so the kids were awesome, and by awesome, I mostly mean well-behaved. Today was no different, in fact it was one of my easier days subbing in Chicago. I only had to work 5 hours (which I believe will still give me a full day's wages), and I was in a computer class, so every student was working independently on a graphing project. Almost all my classes were freshmen; huzzah! Freshmen are always great. They're always a little goofy, sure, but they stop talking when you say stop, and they ask you for hall passes instead of just rushing the door when they need something from their lockers. And because these guys were in front of computers every period, they stayed focused. And they were actually working on the graph assignment. I don't fully understand it, but I'm pretty sure that if they had been graphing on paper, the classes wouldn't have been so quiet. But set them in front of the monitor and and they're like moths to a light.

Meanwhile I was able to read 120 pages of my book... an impressive feat even for a slow day. (I will make a list of books I have read while at work sometime soon.) When I sub in high schools, most of the time I'm just watching kids do busy work, so I have to bring my own entertainment. I try to use the time wisely by reading quality literature as opposed to something like People Magazine, or by teaching myself to master Sudoku, which I'm getting pretty good at.

I also make a habit of going through the teacher's desk to see if they have anything interesting (or any good mints) in their drawers. I go through their bookshelves to see if there's anything good to read. I make a list of things I want to blog about in a little notebook I keep in my purse. I ponder where I will go during my free periods. And I spend ample time looking at the students and trying to pretend I'm not staring. I look at who talks to whom, I ponder their social cliques, I wonder where they got their clothes, I try to figure out what their family life is like, what grades they make, and what they do in their free time. Now that I think about it, I wonder if I spend a little too much time wondering about my students and eavesdropping on their conversations. Maybe it's a little creepy. They think I'm just trying to make sure they're on task. But they're more interesting when they're not.

Navel-Gazing 2007

2008-01-01T14:04:00.001-06:00

A friend sent me this image, so I have no idea where it came from. But it's pretty sweet.

Happy new year, everyone!

Well, the standard fare for blogs around this season is to reflect on the past year. I haven't done much of that recently, but maybe this is a good opportunity to put out some largely non-sarcastic thoughts.

I started blogging in September of 2007 after deciding to substitute in Chicago Public Schools while I looked for full time work. Back in May of '07 I finished a unique master's degree in education. I had focused on informal learning- after school programs, community centers, museums, and activist education. Informal learning is an incredible, exciting field, but it is also a small one, and jobs are hard to come by. Funding isn't very secure for these sorts of programs, so staffing is kept to a bare minimum. They pay is low (significantly lower than public school teachers), but because the jobs can be so fulfilling and draw professionals from a variety of disciplines, they are highly competitive. I assumed I wouldn't have much trouble when I started looking for work. After all, I came from a top-rated school in my field and have several years of experience managing and facilitating programs in Chicago. But although I get a number of interviews with organizations, I haven't been chosen for the job. When I write to the interviewer for feedback, I am consistently told that I come across as bright and enthusiastic and that my professional experiences are quite remarkable. According to what I'm told, the reason I haven't been the one chosen for the position is because someone else applied with several more years of experience. It's frustrating, but that's how it is. And that's how I've spent the majority of my year.

But before all that, when I was completing my master's degree, I did some some pretty cool work, in my opinion anyway. It was my thesis project, but also a paid gig with a non-profit organization. Essentially, I created an after-school program that was a women's group where we focused on healthy relationships. We got together and talked about relationships we saw in music videos, movies, television, and in real life. We talked about them from OUR perspectives. And I spent a lot of time talking about things like equality in relationships, sexual health, acceptance of homosexuality, and resources for abusive relationships. I did as much "teaching" on these topics as I could get away with, and hoped like hell that my students were listening. I should also mention that it was an art program. That is, we used photography and other artistic means to express opinions on these topics. I figured it would be a good way to get into some difficult subject matter.

So that's how I spent the beginning of 2007. It was actually quite a tough time for me. The school I worked in was a relatively rough one. It is a public school located in one of the poorest neighborhoods in the city (one online source says about 93% of the students are considered low-income; can that be right?), and their graduation rate is up from years past- 59% in 2006. The girls I worked with faced a fair amount of danger just walking to and from school- much of it because of their gender. These teens have seen a lot of violence. I should know; I taught an anti-violence program there before I started this program, so I heard a lot of students respond to this issue in their neighborhood. On top of that, some of them have really messed up ideas about living in the ghetto (their word choice, not mine) and how they'll never get out, so why bother trying to succeed in school. It was a challenging place to be because I had so much to learn from my students about their lives and experiences. I am totally committed to urban education and desperately want to serve in high-need areas, but I also never feel like I belong there. Every day I just tried to keep my eyes open and ask questions and observe as much as possible without making too many assumptions based on tired old stereotypes. I told my students I was there as an educator and researcher because I know that girls- and particularly urban girls- are incredibly smart and resourceful and because I think it's unfortunate that a lot of people don't take them seriously. They agreed with me.

But as an outsider to the school and someone coming from a different background, it was extremely difficult for me to gain the trust of my students, which obviously was important in a program about relationships. It was also a tough time for me because my program was one of the only ones at the school where students were not paid to participate. So, although my recruitment efforts resulted in 20-30 young women expressing interest in the club and signing up to participate, I ultimately could not sustain a core group beyond the first semester of the program. I eventually canceled the program, determining that this was not the right venue for it to succeed in the long run.

I was bolstered in my efforts, though, when I presented my work on this program at a national education conference. The room where I spoke was filled with people and a number them asked for my curriculum after the presentation. Thanks to those educators, I have hope that the program lives on elsewhere. Come to think of it, this is one of the biggest highlights of my year.

Despite all the difficulties of my program, it was an incredible learning experience for me. Part of my hope for 2008 is that I'll find a way to continue this sort of work. It probably wouldn't the same program unless I could find a way to fund it, but I want to find professional work that is likewise challenging and meaningful and makes me rethink my understanding of myself, the students I teach, and the city we live in together.

Holiday Link Round-up!

2007-12-26T17:54:00.001-06:00

I want that puppy for Christmas. Really bad.

Happy Holidays, y'all!

I took a little blogging break to come back east and see my parents. It was a nice break, filled with friends and family and food and lovely little gifts. Here's hoping your celebrations were much the same.

I'll be back to regular posting when I return to Chicago, but for now, a link round-up!

A classic Onion article...

Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks

OCONOMOWOC, WI-Substitute teacher Mrs. Krafft totally lost her shit during social studies.

Not from the Onion (it's from Houston), a substitute teacher scares the shit out of her students.

In Chicago, a family sues a substitute teacher for showing Brokeback Mountain to their 12 year old daughter.

The BBC informs us that (substitute) teachers are fully replaceable by machines. (Via Dave Barry, though the article apparently isn't a joke.)

And, for your holiday delight, Christmas wishes from Chicago channel 7, circa 1984.

Enjoy!

Exciting Things to Come

2007-12-19T23:53:00.000-06:00

Hello friends,

I've been a little quiet lately. I sub a few times a week, but after the cheese incident, nothing else has really seemed interesting. But never fear, loyal readers! Lest you think my creativity is drying up along with the humidity factor around here, you will be pleased to learn that I will one day have a real, live, guest blogger!

That's right, my friend and fellow substitute teacher, who shall henceforth be known as J until he picks a more interesting name, has finally agreed to write up a post for the blog. I will save further introductions for later, but you'd better look forward to it.

A recent gmail chat conversation with J follows:

J: how have you been?
me: busy! subbed today, then worked at the restaurant.
how was your night out yesterday?
J: awesome! how was the subbing?
we mostly stayed in, but drank just the same
me: i wanted to join you guys, but i had to go to bed. eh, it wasn't bad. no exciting stories, really.
J: I subbed today, and it was mostly boring but not dangerous - nothing was thrown at my head, so i'd call it success
me: yea!!
J: =-)
me: (sad how low our standards are, really)
J: I know seriously

You Mean I'm Not the Only One?

2007-12-12T00:03:00.001-06:00

I recently found a highly amusing article by Bernie Sheahan about her experimental stint as a substitute teacher. She writes, far better than I do, about experiences surprisingly similar to my own: the lack of training required to get a substitute certification, Spanish classes going awry, ritual-obsessed elementary students, classroom farters, and more. This is also the source of those neat illustrations from my last post. Here's a preview:

Has subbing for middle-schoolers made me more, or less, mentally ill? Along with everything else, it seems I've developed Multiple Personality Disorder—with just one extra personality: Mean Lady. She manifested herself the first week of class, and I wondered why I had spent so much money on therapy getting in touch with my anger when all along I could have been getting paid for it.
She's not really angry. Just stern. She has to be, but that doesn't mean I have to like her. Her voice is louder than mine ever was. She lays down the law with her little rules first thing, every morning. She won't smile until the class is under control. As my brother, the career teacher, says, "Don't smile until Christmas." To a sub, lunchtime can feel like Christmas.

Why I Wish I Was Not A Substitute Teacher in Chicago Public Schools...

2007-12-11T21:52:00.001-06:00

...Because this was the conversation at my dinner table tonight:

me: Can I tell you guys about my day? Because I had cheese thrown at me.
housemates: What the fuck? Cheese?
me: That's right. Cheese.
housemates: By whom?
me: By my students.
housemates: Oh man. Your life sucks.

I was at that damned charter school again, and what do you know, my day was just as bad as the last time. Actually, it was only a half day. And 2 of my classes were fine. I was in for a Spanish teacher, which was too bad since I don't speak Spanish. Though you'll be glad to know that I have familiarized myself with all the bad Spanish words that students tend to call substitute teachers.

During the first period, students were using laptops to do research for some upcoming papers. They weren't totally on task, but other than keeping them off myspace and facebook, it was great. And really, the only reason I kept working to keep them from the social networking sites is because I did not have a computer at my desk, and therefore couldn't use the networking sites myself, dammit.*

But then I had Spanish III (11th graders I think?), and it was a whole different story. They all came in and as soon as they saw my name, started making fun of it. This happens often, but today I had a new strategy for dealing with it: embarrass the kids. I said to them, "Oh, come on guys! I've heard that one a million times. You're not original." It seemed like a weak response to me-- something I'd say if I was a student on the playground and not the teacher, for god's sake-- so I was completely shocked when they cut it out after a minute. Score one for the only adult in the room.

Unfortunately, that was my last success for the period. The students were so riled up that I couldn't get them to stay in their seats for long enough to take attendance. That's when they started throwing cheese cubes. At first they were throwing them across the room, and when I yelled at the throwers they would be typical jackasses:

"What?! It wasn't me!"
"Um, I saw you. Do you want detention?"
[In a mimicking voice] "Do you want detention?"
"Ok, what's your name?"
"Omar." (Everyone cracks up.)
"What's your real name."
"Omar. Seriously!"

Illustrations: James Yamasaki

It's not Omar, because there's no Omar on the roster and all the kids are still cracking up. But by then someone else is doing the cheese throwing and I realize that at this point, I am essentially fucked. I'm sorry, but books on classroom management don't do shit in this sort of situation. You just have to duck and take cover.

So I yell for a while about giving the whole class detention. This might have been a successful strategy, were it not for half of the now class complaining loudly that they weren't doing anything wrong. Suddenly all these fake goodie-goodies are running up to me and going, "My name is Maria Lopez! I swear, I was being good! Don't give me detention!" And then I have to deal with all THOSE kids instead of dealing with the don't-give-a-damn troublemakers. Really, the class detention line didn't endear me to anyone.

But still, no one will shut up long enough for me to take attendance, and the cheese is still flying. So I calmly walk over to the corner of the room where there is a button that calls the front office and I push it. This decision elicits a loud "hey ya'll! She's calling the office! Oh shit!" from my class. That's when at least one chunk of cheese whizzes through the air and directly hits my head.

The front office lady responds to my call over the loudspeaker, "Can I help you?" And then, get this, all of the students start yelling as loudly as they can, "no, we're fine! It was just a mistake!" It totally drowns out my "Hello, yes, I need security in 211 please. Can you send someone in here right away?" I had to call at least twice before they figured something was going on and sent someone to the room for the rest of the period.

Before security arrives, the "good" students are still flipping out and one of them is repeating, "we're going to get in trouble! You guys!" And under my breath, before I even realize it, I say...

"...well no shit."

Except that it wasn't quite under my breath. Ha, the kids within earshot didn't know WHAT to make of that statement. Ahem. Another nickel in the swear jar.

*Actually I make it a policy of mine to never visit social networking sites (or this blog, for that matter) while I'm at a school. But that doesn't keep me from being bitter.

Richard M. Daley, Mayor, City of Chicago

2007-12-07T14:34:00.001-06:00

I just realized that my checks from CPS are signed by "Richard M. Daley, Mayor, City of Chicago" (but not by Arnie Duncan, interestingly). What? No photo? Well, at least I know who to thank for the state of my paychecks* and the quality of school lunches.

(Be sure to head over to Chicago Teacher Man for Daley's "Ten Chi-Town Commandments"... you'll be glad you did.)

* The state being: my last paycheck does not include all the days I worked. I was on hold with payroll for 40 minutes trying to deal with it on Friday...

Technology in the Classroom (then and now)

2007-12-07T12:28:00.000-06:00

(click on this fantastic cartoon, courtesy of Married to the Sea.)

Oh, how times have changed.

I think I forgot to mention that I was subbing for an English class an while back, and most of the students had free time because they were already finished with the day's reading. Everyone was quietly drawing or knitting or writing notes or sleeping or gossiping or listening to ipods. Suddenly one girl, who was working on her laptop, shouts "I'm chatting with Ms. McLeod!" Ms. McLeod is the English teacher I'm subbing for.

"She says we're still having the test on Friday!" the girl says to the class.

I might be impressed with this use of technology, but I'm not. All I'm thinking is, "oh shit! I wonder what that girl is telling her teacher about the sub!"

Abba and Why Urban Kids Are Cool

2007-12-06T11:23:00.000-06:00

This week I got to work for a half day at the prep school, and it was the best day ever.

The security guard was watching the class when I got there, and he had allowed the students to play music in the room. And what were the students listening to? Not hip hop radio like some kids would prefer. No, these badass 16 year olds were listening to Abba and Queen, and they. were. rocking. out. It was a sight to behold, let me tell you.

Did I mention that I was subbing in an art class? I love art classes. All the kids are so cool- just doing their own creative thing and not worrying too much about what anyone else thinks.* This tends to be the case for urban kids in general. They grow up around so many different kinds of people that they have a good understanding about who they are and what's out there. They are comfortable in their own skin and worldly in a way that suburban kids rarely are. I've taught in the burbs and in the city, and let me tell you, city kids are a LOT more mature. And city kids who take art (and listen to Abba) are that much cooler.

But before you think I'm hating on suburban kids, I'll provide you with a rare exception to my "urban kid=awesome, suburban kid=spoiled and sheltered" rule. In my old sub job, there was one high school where I worked that had truly amazing kids. It was a school in one of the most diverse areas in the entire country- if I remember correctly, there were something like 40 languages spoken at this school. The surrounding neighborhood is full of lower and middle class immigrants, mostly southeast Asian. But this neighborhood is sitting right in the middle of an immensely wealthy and successful school district... meaning that the immigrants' children there have access to a first rate education. (The college prep school is much the same- a very diverse population in a good school gives incredible results.)

It was also one of the most interesting environments I've ever been in. Everyone had friends from all around the world and there was more interracial dating concentrated in that school than I've seen anywhere else in American society. How cool is that? And sure, there were gangs and fights and all the other things that might be expected in a lower income area, but there were also kids taking culinary classes and graphic design and planning to go to college and do all the other things that privileged suburban kids are able to do, because they were in a school that made it possible for them. And isn't the purpose of education ultimately to give kids options? I think about this school all the time, because it proves so clearly that all kinds of students have potential, if you just give them a fair shot. And, of course, because it also proves that when you put kids in an environment with a lot of people who are different from them, they're just going to be cooler.

*There's this one girl who wants to go to art school next year, and she makes really intricate and funky embroideries. Her last one was of Jaws, and the current one is of David Berkowitz 's mug shot. SO awesome.

Foiled again.

2007-12-03T07:00:00.000-06:00

I just woke up to a call from the front office lady at the prep school, asking me to come in this morning. I told her I would come in part way through 1st period because I needed time to get ready, and she said it was fine. After I had gotten up and was about to get ready, she called again and canceled on me. And now I can't fall back to sleep! This is one of the downsides of the job.

Next time I probably won't say anything about being late and will just do my best to get in asap... That's $125 I just lost bc I wanted a few more minutes to get ready (it would have paid for my table!).

UPDATE: I went downstairs to get some tea, and she phoned again to see if I could come in after all. But I missed the call, and when I called back 15 minutes later, she had filled it. :(

Ecstasy and Oprah

2007-12-02T13:09:00.000-06:00

Well I haven't been very diligent lately with my posts, but I also haven't been working very much, which is unfortunate. (I just made a rather impulsive purchase of this gorgeous table, or rather, a knock off of it, which I will most definitely not need until I move into a new apartment, which I cannot yet afford to do.)

But I did have another good day at my favorite college preparatory school. I spent the morning in art classes and spent the afternoon repeatedly watching an Oprah show about the dangers of ecstasy.

I loved hearing Oprah tell America about how young teenagers called "candy kids" go to alcohol-free parties called "raves" where they take a horribly addictive new drug called "ecstasy," otherwise known as "the hug drug," and touch each other all over and have unprotected sex with strangers. And your child might very well die from it, because middle and high school kids are getting this drug in schools around the country. Hilarious.

Even more hilarious is that Oprah's show on ecstasy was filmed in 2001. You're about 15 years too late to jump on that new-fangled X trend, Oprah, but good try.

This is your brain.

This is your brain on drugs.
Oh my god! The holes!

I honestly wasn't as offended by the show as some ravers out there, but it was apparent that much of the information was misleading. The most annoyingly misleading bit, in my opinion, was a brain scan of a former ecstasy user: the scan showed an image of the brain that appeared to have holes in it, a rather upsetting image. But there aren't actually any holes in an ecstasy user's brain-- what appeared to be large holes were in fact areas where the brain was not functioning as well as other parts because they are not receiving the usual amount of blood flow. Now, less blood flowing into the brain is still not a good thought, but it's not as bad as the pseudo-scientific image of the brain holes, which are just scary.

Also funny: I had a special-ed teacher in with me during one of the periods, and she introduced the video (which she had not yet seen) to the class by saying, "you guys should really pay attention to this video on ecstasy. In college, people sometimes put drugs in your drinks. So get informed." Um, sorry, what does that have to do with ecstasy? The students didn't appear to be paying enough attention to her to notice.

Happy Kids = Fake.

2007-11-23T11:42:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. I hope you stuffed yourselves with turkey or an appropriate non-meat substitute. I surely did.

For today's post, I thought I should finally mention the source of that photo on the right... the one with those grinning, non-snotty nosed kids, all peein' in their pants because they're so excited to answer the damn question.

If you hadn't already guessed, I ripped it from the CPS website. Cause, you know, I see those shining faces and that enthusiasm whenever I start my day in a CPS school. Not.

Which reminds me, how much do you love the official CPS calendar, with every month featuring a different photograph of a happy and ethnically diverse classroom moment? I know, I know. There are some great (diverse) classrooms out there that deserve to be featured in the CPS annual calendar. But for whatever reason, that shit cracks me up.

If you had to stay one age forever, what age would you choose?

2007-11-21T14:58:00.000-06:00

That was the question my 5th graders had to answer the other day, since they're reading that famed children's classic, Tuck Everlasting. Here are some of the answers they gave:

"30 because that's the age you get old and wrinkly and I want to stay young."

"45 because that's the age when you are married and have kids."

"13 because it is not too young and not too old."

"12 because I can still live with my parents and not worry about what I'll do in my life."

I also enjoyed researching Juan Ponce de Leon with the students and having them grapple over whether there really is a fountain of youth (that last link is one of the "sources" my students found). Good stuff.

Please Do Not Feed the Substitute Teachers

2007-11-20T23:40:00.001-06:00

marriedtothesea.com

While it may be true that I might not want to eat school lunches, please do not assume that I do not want any lunch break at all. Or any bathroom break, for that matter.

That's right folks, I subbed one day last week at a random K-8 school in Uptown, and they neglected to give me any breaks from the children all day. Sounds impossible, I know. After all, the kids get breaks and lunch during the day, so why wouldn't the teacher? Well, when a middle school department rotates you in and out of various classrooms throughout the day because teachers are in conferences, it is quite possible for them to forget that their substitute teacher is human and needs a break in her day. And it sucks.

[Update: Why didn't I get to have KauaiMark's easy speed subbing experience?!]

I thought the day was going to go well, too. I got there early, found out I'd be teaching 7th graders, and saw that the 1st period teacher had a burned copy of the new Radiohead CD in his stereo. So obviously, my first period class was given the pleasure of listening to it while they filled out their science fair abstracts. Too bad the ungrateful bastards wanted to hear hip hop radio instead. I pretended like I was going to appease them, but then I turned it to the oldies station, where they were playing the Talking Heads, circa 1984. You can guess how much my students loved that.

After that period they're switching me around to classrooms all over the school, except that they don't bother to tell me in advance that this is the plan. So I'm getting yelled at over the loudspeaker, telling me I'm supposed to be picking up students from across the school, causing me to yell back to the loudspeaker that I can't leave the classroom because the teacher hasn't returned yet. It was a mess, and it ended in me getting no breaks all day. At the end of the day, a chipper front office lady asked me how everything went. I did not hide the fact that I was pissed. She looked surprised, and blamed it on the middle school department. She also told me I could have called the office for a break. Funny thing is, they never tell you HOW to call the office, so that wasn't exactly an option.

But my favorite part of the day was dealing with a 6th grade kid who randomly flipped out. We were in art class and they had an artist in residence teaching the kids about Andy Warhol's color schemes. Well out of the corner of her eye, the art teacher sees something being thrown. And she's not sure what happened, but she needs to make an example of someone because the class is a little out of control. So starts yelling at the most likely candidate and sends him to the office:

Art Teacher (AT): You! Yes, you! That's it! You're off to the office. Miss? [she looks at me] Take him to the office now.
Me: [loudly whispering to AT from across the room] But I don't know where the office is!
AT: [loudly whispering back] Just give him a good talking to in the hallway!
Me: [still whispering] OK!

[I take the Kid into the hallway and he immediately flips out.]

Kid: I can't believe that! She fucking hates me! I'll get her fired! I'll sue that bitch! I'll sue her! [Kid starts crying.]
Me: Excuse me, what? Woah. Ok, calm down a minute. Sit down here.
Kid: She hates me! She just wants me to get in trouble! She doesn't like me because I'm black!

[I pause for about 5 seconds.]

Me: Um. But. She's black too.
Kid: But I'm darker!

Now, this is true. His teacher was a lighter skinned Jamaican woman, and he was a dark skinned boy. But the thing is, this kid wasn't being singled out (his class was nearly all black and brown, for god's sake) for his color... he was being punished for his behavior. I almost said it aloud... "you're not in trouble because you're dark. Your in trouble because you're being annoying. Get it?" I've heard kids pull this card before, and I've also heard teachers come down HARD when kids try it. I understand why- it is horribly damning for an urban teacher to be accused of racism. But on the other hand, I'm not willing to pretend like we all don't have stereotypes and biases that affect our relationships with students and each other, and I'm not willing to assume that a teacher who I don't know at all is innocent.

But. When I've heard this card played by young students, it is usually half way through a long list of excuses for why the kid believes he or she is innocent. That is, calling teachers racist is often used as a strategy for kids to get themselves off the hook. And that is absolutely NOT acceptable.

So I didn't accept it. I did hear him out and ask several questions, such as "have you had other issues with this teacher before?" But after determining that the kid was only making excuses, I told him that I heard what he was saying but that I wanted him to consider his responsibilities as a student and how the wasn't fulfilling those responsibilities in the classroom a few minutes ago. I told him that when students don't fulfill their responsibilities, teachers can't do their jobs, so they have a responsibility to punish those students. I think it sunk in, because he stopped crying, we returned to the classroom, and he didn't cause any more problems.

The other thing to say about that day was that I kind of sort of swore at an 8th grader who was pissing me off. Generally I'm good about not swearing in the classroom, but I had this horrible class during my last period. They were 8th graders and there were at least 5 class clowns in there. And, may I remind you, I didn't have lunch and I had to pee. I swear I'm not a terrible person.

So this kid was just being disruptive because it was funny, except I failed to see the humor. I was still trying to be Hot and Nice Sub at this point, so rather than yelling (I had mostly lost my voice earlier in the day), I would come over and make clever/snarky little comments that I hoped would embarrass him into behaving. My favorite of these comments was when he was kicking another male student under the desk and I said "come on now... save the footsie games and the flirting for after class, ok?" This got a strong reaction, but alas, no good behavior... only excuses. Eventually I got tired of this little game and said to him, "dude, I'm tired of your bullshit excuses. Just do the right thing, ok?"

As soon as I said it, I knew this might be a problem. High school students may be used to teachers swearing, but these 8th graders were not, which I ascertained when everyone's jaws dropped to the floor. Oh shit, I thought, am I going to get in trouble for that? But fortunately for me, the first response was a girl at the table, who said to the disruptive boy,

"OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOU JUST GOT TREATED!!!!"

I guess I'm in the clear.

This Is Definitely Awesome.

2007-11-12T23:52:00.001-06:00

Courtesy of XKCD and my friend John.
(I think you'll have to click on the image to view it full size-- sorry!)

Inappropriate Books and Spit Wads (not as bad as it sounds)

2007-11-12T23:08:00.000-06:00

I'm sick as a dog today, but I suppose that's a pretty good excuse to catch up on the blog. I haven't done much subbing recently, but I did have a couple of good jobs:

One was at a college prep school downtown. It was a great school! Diverse student body, art everywhere, helpful staff, and the students were respectful. This is precisely why I like subbing (even if it doesn't lead to interesting blogging). I had about 4 classes during the day and the letter from the teacher said nothing more than:

"4th and 7th periods: continue reading The Turn of the Screw.

6th period: Work silently and independently.

8th period: The student teacher will take over."

Now, this could be a recipe for disaster if the students were out of control. But what do you know, they just came in and sat down and quietly chatted with their friends. This allowed me to take on my favorite sub role, that being "hot and nice substitute teacher." It is my goal to always be "hot and nice substitute teacher," though alas, it cannot always be. But this particular day I was dressed well and feelin' good, so I got to play "H&NST" by starting each class by sitting on the teacher's desk and repeating these words:

"Hey guys, take a seat. Your teacher is out sick today, sorry; my name is up on the board. Your only instructions are to work silently and independently... do you have work you can do? Yes? OK great. How about this, I don't mind if there's a little chit-chat, but if it gets too noisy then I'm going to tell you to keep it down. Sound good? OK, get to work."

Because I'm young (see: not their stereotypical substitute from hell) and I appear to be giving them a good deal (no one wants me to try and enforce the silence rule, including me), I can usually run my classrooms like this. It's great. Then I just read quietly and every 20 minutes or so, remind them to keep it down. I also go over to the little knitting club that happens in one corner and talk stitches for a while, then I go over to the kids that draw and ask them about their artwork. This is my ideal day, and I pretty much got it at the college prep school.

As for my reading quietly, I was a little nervous about this because the book I've been reading happens to be about a NYC girl who, in an identity crisis, moves to Salt Lake City and begins working as a female escort in Mormon-country. It isn't that the book is a steamy romance novel or anything, but it IS a little strange to be reading about the heroine's encounters with S&M and strange fetishes (see: having to piss on a client) in a public school environment. Lord knows there were a couple of times when I got wrapped up in the story and didn't see one of the 10th graders standing in front of my desk staring at me until I noticed him silently waiting for a bathroom pass.

The other job I worked was back at the private school, but this time working in 7th and 8th grade. Can I just say that I love middle schoolers? The weirder, the better, and this school has some serious W.K.'s (Weird Kids). They were awesome, and it was great. The highlight of the day was playing a teacher-ordained game where their costly ActivBoard projector system becomes a dartboard for spitwads... the dartboard has positive and negative integers and they each throw three spitballs and then add up their points. The kids were half excited by the game and half grossed out (even though they used a cup of water instead of their own spit), but the best part was when Robert, the weirdest, most annoying kid in the class missed the board entirely, leaving a huge spitball out of everyone's reach and just under a sign that read "self-awareness." "It's funny," Robert said, "because self-awareness is the thing I need to work on the most." Indeed.

Later that day the ActivBoard surface stopped working. When the I.T. technician came to see what was going on, I didn't tell her about our previous game. It appears that it shouldn't have caused the problem, but I have my doubts.

Knitting and Other Reasons Why I'm a Crazy White Girl

2007-11-05T11:08:00.000-06:00

Mentioning my knitting in the last post reminded me of something that's quite relevant to substitute teaching- that when I talk about myself when I'm teaching, my students sometimes think I'm insane.

I mention this now because I used to teach after-school programs at a high school in Englewood, and sometimes I'd bring my knitting along for when there was down time. The students got a big kick out of this, but really, it was just one of many points that convinced them that I was indeed crazy. Other reasons that I'm a crazy (white) girl:

I rode a bike to the school sometimes and locked it up outside instead of taking it in the school for security to watch it.
I rode down King Drive to get there. ("You'll get shot there!", my students said, which ironically is the same thing that white kids say to me about Englewood.)
I wear a helmet when I bike (laughably uncool, as I've learned)
I don't like flamin' hots/hot fries/"ghetto chips" and I won't eat them.
I sometimes eat vegetarian food.
I sometimes dressed like a hippie.

I rather like these conversations, partly because I don't believe them when they say I'm crazy and partly because I think it's useful for all of us to encounter people who live their lives differently and to question our own choices. For example, knitting is, in this day and age, a rather privileged hobby. Sure, it appears to be utilitarian, and certainly there are aspects of the D.I.Y. movement that are valuable, such as not playing into a capitalist system that exploits workers and damages the environment. But when you think about it, my students are right to think that I'm crazy for spending many hours and no small amount of money to make something I could easily buy at Target.

But maybe a more overt way of explaining why I like these conversations to to say that talking about difference gives us an opportunity to discuss race and class. It is otherwise the elephant in the room, given that I'm a privileged white woman teaching underprivileged youth of color. This is interesting because a lot of the teaching I do with students (when I'm running my own programs) has to do with race and class, but when I try to hold discussions about these things, I don't get a lot of authentic responses. Students know what the "right" answers are and it's hard to get them to speak candidly about the anger, confusion, or otherwise strong feelings they have about such intense social issues.

But when I'm locking up my bike outside the school, suddenly the conversation is flowing. It might not be the most pedagogic, but it is informative to me and hopefully to the student:

(Conversation begins after students make copious fun of my bike.)
"You're locking your bike up here?? Why don't you put it inside by security?"
"This bike is 60 years old. It isn't worth stealing, so I'm not worried about it."
"How long does it take you to bike here?"
"About 30 minutes"
"Where you from?"
[I tell him my neighborhood.]
"Oh, it's nice there, right?"
"What do you mean by nice?"
"There aren't any black people there."
"Oh. Well, actually there are lots of black people in my neighborhood."
"Yeah, but not like us."

This kind of conversation is definitely worth having with students, even if there's no definitive conclusion and no means of follow up. It's important for teachers to hear about how their students conceptualize themselves and their lives and to encourage them to think critically about everything. Sometimes that involves busting stereotypes. Sometimes it involves encouraging students to consider how they can make positive decisions for their lives or communities. And sometimes it just means showing interest in someone who is worth the attention.

Maybe it's also the fact that I want to have conversations like this one that encourages my students to think I'm a crazy white girl. But that's ok with me.

Dog Ate My Homework (aka Excuses, Excuses)

2007-11-04T22:52:00.000-06:00

Other than that crappy day from hell, I didn't do any substitute teaching last week. It was Halloween, and also my birthday (both being great excuses to slack off and/or work on creative costuming), and anyway I'm making good tips at the restaurant right now.

Next week I won't be doing much subbing either. I'm planning to apply to a bunch of full time jobs and work evenings at the restaurant. I need the time to get stuff done, but I also don't get calls from CPS's automated system. You'd think they need substitute teachers, especially on the south side of Chicago, but I just don't get calls. I should try to talk to a real live person about this.

I also might make my way back over to the damn Elizabeth Street H.R. location, because I'm supposed to submit to YET ANOTHER fucking background check. Apparently most private schools require you to have this procedure done, never mind that a CPS teaching badge indicates that you've already submitted to the same test.

If I sound a little jaded, it's because the subbing hasn't been working out as planned. But I guess that's all the more encouragement to find something else to do... that is, if I don't get too distracted with a little hobby of mine that keeps me happy...

Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-31T08:56:00.001-05:00

Let us take a moment to appreciate this great holiday...

... and the cheesy teacher clothes* that surround it and every other day of observance.

Though, hell, I suppose students have their own share of appropriate attire, given the popularity of these items:

And my favorite (though no longer school-related), skulls for babies!

It's morbid in that Victorian sort of way.

*I know. Teachers aren't the only ones who wear this shit. But hell if there aren't a lot of them who do.

This is why the "bad days" label was created.

2007-10-30T00:59:00.000-05:00

Shittiest day ever. I'll write another post with details when I'm not dizzy from exhaustion, but suffice to say that I taught 7th and 8th graders, was sexually harassed at least 3 times by students, called for security twice, gave out 4 Saturday detentions, and made 1 girl cry. It was a charter school, too, so I really wasn't expecting the abuse, though perhaps I should have been.

And after that winner of a day, I went straight to work at the restaurant.

9:15am-4:00pm subbing
5:00pm-12:30am serving

Excuse me while I pass out for a few hours.

Wrapping It Up: the Private School

2007-10-27T18:12:00.002-05:00

I've officially finished my two week plus one day stint at the private school. It was a lot of fun, and and definitely the easiest substitute teaching I've ever done.

A couple highlights:

The teachers. I can be hard on teachers sometimes, but these ones actually do care about their students-- so much that they talk about them with other teachers at lunch. And not in that "Maria's going to be pregnant by age 15" way. They talk about their students' IEP's, their successes and trials in the classroom, their social dynamics, their family life... it was inspiring to sit in on the conversations because it's nice to know that, when provided with decent conditions for work/learning, teachers don't have to be burned out or bitter.

Planet in Peril. During the week that I taught 5th grade, the students were beginning a long exploration of the environment that centered around CNN's special investigation, Planet in Peril. The 4 hour show premiered this week featuring Jeff Corwin, Sanjay Gupta, and my longstanding crush, Anderson Cooper.

But other than the viewing pleasure (cute animals and foxy Anderson? Talk about a winner.), it was cool because the kids got REALLY into it. We had class discussions about what they watched and everyone had something intelligent to say. Most said it passionately.

Though we've got a lot of work to do to improve our environment, I do believe that educating young kids about it makes a BIG difference. My generation learned about earth day and recycling in elementary school and I'd say we're pretty good about being environmentally conscious (certainly we're far better than previous generations). These kids have seen An Inconvenient Truth, they talk about hybrid cars, they feel morally obligated to recycle... and they're still only 11 years old. I guess we'll see what they do as adults.

All in all, a great 2 weeks. I have a feeling I'll be back there before long.

Election Politics

2007-10-24T00:27:00.000-05:00

I couldn't resist posting about the class elections at school this week. Each classroom gets to choose a representative for student council and each candidate must create a poster. In true fashion, the 4th graders have screwed it all up, claiming they're running for "president" rather than measly representative (hey, dream big) or making impossible promises to their constituents. The 5th graders are ALL running except for 2 kids (that's 6 out of 8). The stiff competition has promoted nothing less than fiercely competitive campaigning and opponent bashing. And, of course, the 6th and 7th graders have no posters up at all and thus no nominations, indicating that once you're 12 years old, student council is suddenly and completely uncool.

A few of my most favorite posters (I'd take pictures if I could... their little mugs on the posters are hysterical):

"Be a voter, vote for (Brian) Moder"

"Have a party in the clouds, vote for Catherine."
(huh?)

"Vote for Ella" (with a poster covered in horses)

"Vote for Kamilla if you want a second snack time!" (The teachers think this one is hilarious, given that Kamilla has not yet consulted any of them about whether they might obtain a second snack.)

"Vote for Mike: More recess, more music, and more fun. Mike Rocks."

"Get off your high horse. Get your head out of the clouds. Vote for Shauna!"
(This one is AMAZING. Taking down 2 other candidates in one poster, and the "cool girls" at that! Shauna is destined for big, passive aggressive things.)

There's a huge blown-up yearbook photo of Brian on his poster, and the kid looks 100% boyscout. So of course, the PE coach cut out a huge curly mustache and anonymously sticks it on Brian's poster. When Brian saw the mustache he was pretty dismayed, until he found out it was coach Allen. I told Brian that perhaps the mustache was a comment on his maturity. He didn't buy it.

The elections don't take place until after this gig is over for me, but if I end up back their later (there's a good chance of this), I'll be sure to follow up on how it goes.

Weird Kids: The Nerdy Know-It-All

2007-10-23T12:14:00.000-05:00

Connect Four: Friendly Game? Or a Vertical Checkers Game of Doom?

Poor Martin. He tries so hard to fit in with the other kids, but he's nerdy. Super nerdy. He's skinny and his fingernails are too long and he thinks he knows what he's talking about, which is sometimes true and sometimes not.

He thinks he can fit in by showing kids that he's really smart. In fact, he's no smarter than anyone else in the class, so his displays of knowledge are often met with hostility. Unfortunately, this makes him feel more strongly that he must impress his classmates by displays of knowledge.

Last week we had a lot of indoor recess because of the weather, and the students' favorite activity is Connect Four. It might not sound very exciting to you, but for my 5th graders, Connect Four is a challenging game. It is also a game that incites intense rivalry, causing harmful fights, wounded emotions, and crushed spirits. Go figure.

So when Martin, trying once again to impress his fellow classmates while acting as a spectator to the game, repeatedly says things like "Oh! I can't believe you didn't see that one!" and "oh my gosh, Kiri, you don't want to put your piece there!"... you might imagine that the other kids get pissed. This results in their creating new rules that no spectators can talk and then sanctioning Martin by not letting him play. This in turn leads to him whining about how you can't punish someone for breaking a rule before the rule was created, which then results in the other kids telling Martin, "too bad."

At this point everyone is yelling, so the teacher has to get involved. She listens to everyone say what happened and then she creates a tournament chart so that everyone has a fair turn at Connect Four. The kids agree that spectators are not to comment on the game at hand, and the crisis is averted for the short term. But until he realizes intellect is not the road to popularity in the 5th grade, Martin the Nerdy Know-It All will have a difficult time.

Workin' It

2007-10-23T00:26:00.001-05:00

You won't hear from me much this week. I'm working doubles pretty much every day (substituting in the AM and waitressing until midnight), and you know what? I don't have a lot of energy left.

Oh god, it's only Monday.

I'll try to squeeze in a post or two when I find the time.

Weird Kids: The Attention Seeker

2007-10-19T16:25:00.000-05:00

There's this one girl in my 5th grade class called Kiri who I already knew because she was in a class I taught last summer. Last summer, she was a pain in my ass, frankly. So I was surprised that when I walked into this school on my first subbing day, she bounced right up to me and said, "hey, I know you! What are you doing here?!" Since then, we are apparently friends. But then I realized, it isn't that she's a pain in the ass or not; she's just an attention seeker. That means she'll act good or bad, depending on what will get her the most approval from those around her. It's pretty annoying.

Kiri has a lot of energy, and she sometimes uses that energy to sing out loud during her morning work (bad), chat incessantly with the other kids (bad) or be a horrible know-it-all in the classroom (very bad). But sometimes she uses the same energy to blaze ahead on her math work (good), help clean up the room (good), or be a teacher's pet (hey, if I'm the teacher, this is pretty good).

The only problem is that I'm not sure how to react to this kind of behavior. I suppose the right thing to do is respond based on each action, but that doesn't do anything about the larger issue: her desire to please other people-- a need that can become a serious problem as she gets older. Suggestions?

Weird Kids: The Budding Hipster

2007-10-18T18:09:00.000-05:00

Perhaps my favorite weird kid yet in the 6th grade class is Casey. Casey may not know it yet, but she will undoubtedly be a hipster. Hell, this girl already IS a hipster. Check it out: Casey has ivory white skin and striking dark mahogany hair- she'll never have to dye it a dramatic color. She wears skinny jeans and canvas slip-on shoes. She wears fashionable tops with bold stripes. She wears horn rimmed glasses for gods sake! She's only 11!

But here are the kickers: Her learning disability makes her speak very slowly in a monotone voice. She doesn't tend to interact with the other children in the class, choosing instead to muse alone, and remember that she looks semi-pensive/depressed in her horn rimmed glasses.

Total hipster.

(More W.K.'s to come)

Lesson of the Day: Never Go Easy On Your Children

2007-10-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

This post has more to do with parenting than schools, but there was a conversation in the teacher's lounge at lunch today that was actually worth repeating here. Why are there so many learning disabilities in students today? How do environmental factors contribute? And what are teachers and parents supposed to do about it? Some loose thoughts follow.

This school where I'm substituting is a strange one. Parents pay $30,000 per year for their students to attend, meaning these families are at least somewhat privileged. And yet, a number of the kids aren't receiving anything beyond the most basic care from their parents. I've heard of parents who don't take their children to the doctor to be tested or receive medication for their conditions, parents who don't listen to the advice of specialists and teachers (if the occupational therapist says for 2 years straight that swimming will help your child...), parents who don't play together with their children or take them outside to run around (this can be difficult in an urban environment), and parents who don't discipline. Instead, they shell out the money and expect teachers, who only have them for 1/4 of the day, to improve their kids.

It's no wonder that teachers bitch about this stuff. Now, I'm skeptical of any rants that lay full blame on any one cause for a child's difficulties, but this case I think the teachers were right on. A lot of the students here are, frankly, spoiled. Not as bad as suburban students tend to be, but it's still apparent. There are a few factors at play here, but it sounds like a major one is the fact that very few of these kids have a parent at home in the afternoons.

Oftentimes, kids don't have someone to interact with them in the afternoons, although some nannies/babysitters certainly do a great job at this. Kids don't always have someone pushing them hard, either- either because those parents who feel the responsibility to challenge their kids aren't around to do it, or because fewer parents are willing to be tough on their kids and make a choice for their child that might amount to a challenging situation (say, making the child join a sports team even when they aren't a good athlete).

Don't misunderstand me- I'm not saying mom needs to stay at home for her kids. But we need to think about how the family dynamics change when parents do work. When parents work all day, they want the time they spend with their children to be quality. And quality time for most parents does not include disciplining your child when he or she misbehaves. So children aren't receiving the guidance they need because it is extremely draining for the parents, especially if their child is LD and already requires more attention.

One of the teachers thought our generation would change its approach to parenting, arguing that today's new parents are more aware of the factors that exacerbate learning disabilities. Others of us at the table thought this was highly unlikely. It seems to me that parents are NOT more aware of how to help children with learning disabilities, even though we are generally more aware of learning disabilities themselves. I also believe that today's parents (and especially mothers) feel an intense amount of pressure to achieve everything- impressive careers as well as a successful family. With so much on their plate, it is unlikely that parents will have the time or energy to give children with learning disabilities the special attention that is needed.

(Weird Kids: The Interlude)

2007-10-16T21:31:00.000-05:00

I promised I would blog about the weird ones. There was absolutely nothing weird that happened today. Nothing. Personally, I'm disappointed.

Instead I will note, happily, that I was called for 3 jobs today! Oh, the decisions!

The first was this longstanding job at the private school that I've already agreed to. At 7:11 am (it actually woke me up... ahem... I forgot to set my alarm last night), a public elementary school called to see if I could come in. And at 8:05, a charter school called to see if I could come in for the afternoon only. I was already committed to the private school (and was already at work by the time the charter school called), but this is a very good sign.

I'm pretty excited to have heard from the public school. Not only was it a school that hadn't called me previously (they didn't throw away my resume after all!), but it was in a neighborhood across town. How could that be a good thing, you ask? Because the guy I'm dating lives in that neighborhood and works nearby. I never get to see him during the week because it's not worth it for either of us to navigate the 1 1/2 hour CTA trip in the evenings when we have to be in very separate places during the day. But who knows, if this school ever calls me in advance, I could plan to hang out up there for a day or so. Rock.

PS I'm moving to a new classroom at the private school tomorrow: 5th graders. Their teacher is getting married and he's taking a week or 2 off. Weirdness will abound, I hope. The 6th grade co-teacher whose room I've been invading has told me repeatedly that I'm seriously going to miss her, so at least the adult side of things should be interesting...

Weird Kids, Part 1: The Farter

2007-10-15T17:04:00.000-05:00

The bad thing about good days is that I have few interesting stories to blog about.

The good thing about good days is they don't suck, although they can be a little boring. (I didn't take this job to have a normal 9-5...)

I did promise to write more about the Weird Kids though. This school is comprised of kids with learning disabilities who couldn't keep up in public school. Their parents could afford to send them here, where the kids get a focused IEP (Individual Education Plan) and enough one-on-one time with teachers to boost their learning.

But I'm assuming that a secondary function of this school is to put students in an environment with kids just like them; kids who, in public school, would have certainly been Weird Kids (W.K.). Here, all together and making significant progress, their W.K. status isn't immediately apparent. The students are rarely out of line and these are certainly the quietest classrooms I've ever encountered. But when you take a close look, you remember that any kid could indeed be... a Weird Kid.

Therefore, I'm making it my goal to blog about a different Weird Kid each day of this otherwise mundane job, just to give you a sense of I'm working with.

And today's Weird Kid is The Farter.

I'm teaching 6th grade right now, which means my students are approaching severe states of awkwardness. The school does a good job of minimizing the effects of severe awkwardness-- I've heard several discussions along the lines of, "Jimmy, that wasn't a nice thing to say to Caitlin. You know that we all learn differently, right? And you know that it doesn't feel good to be made fun of for those things...." The kids are really receptive, because they obviously DO know what it's like to be awkward. Awkward is generally the name of the game for a W.K.

But there are some things that just can't be ignored, especially by my co-teacher (all classrooms have at least 2 teachers in them). And this particular teacher can't stand it when kids fart. Actually, I'm not sure about her personal threshold, but I do know that the kids' thresholds for public farts is surprisingly low (don't kids love farts?), and this teacher has a low tolerance for kids who freak out over farts.

Several times a day, The Farter does his thing. Someone smells it, or possibly hears it, and starts complaining directly to The Farter. The girls, disgusted, say something like, "EEW! Grrrrossssss! Why'd you have to go and do that! Now it smells in here and I can't stand it!"

The guys, who seem to be embarassed for The Farter or at least respect their friendships with him, offer conciliatory advice, saying, "Hey man, you don't have to do that. Just go to the bathroom next time, ok?"

After about 20 seconds of commotion surrounding The Farter, the teacher realizes what's going on (if she didn't smell it first.) She then calls out the farter by name and responds with a public shaming... "Come on, that is extremely inappropriate. NO ONE here wants to smell your farts, so PLEASE, go to the bathroom next time and stop doing it in the classroom! We have a GUEST here! Miss [insert my name here] doesn't want to smell that!"

And THEN she grabs for this bottle of industrial strength aerosol air freshener that has a scent like Lysol and sprays the behind of every kid in the classroom while they're sitting in their seats. I'm not kidding. Only after every little butt has been sprayed and the whole room smells like burning chemicals does she give a couple of extra spritzes into the air and finally return the bottle to it's home in her desk. I couldn't believe it, but it did placate the students.

Once someone asked, "why are you spraying all of us?" She said it was because she didn't know who was the fart culprit. This was a strange answer, because everyone else in the room knew... it had to be The Farter. I rather think she was backing down from her earlier public shaming approach to instead warn all the little heinies in the room that public farting is not tolerated in the 6th grade.

Later in the day the kids have art class, and this lovely woman with long skinny braids and puca shells on her bag comes into the classroom to teach. This particular day she's talking to the kids very seriously about how they need to be "authentic" with her... that she isn't looking for any shallow kind of self-expression... and what do you know, but The Farter up and farts right there. Well there's a little stink about it (no pun intended), but, not wanting to interrupt the art teacher during her lecture, one of the girls runs and gets the industrial strength air freshener and starts spraying it all around The Farter. The kids seem pleased with this solution, but about 45 seconds later the art teacher, who didn't notice any of this disruption, starts freaking out and asking "what's that smell? Somebody tell me what that smell is!"

Well the kids don't know WHAT to say. Finally one of the boys raises his hand and says, "Marcus farted." And the art teacher goes, "Now I don't want to hear that word! What did Marcus do?" There's silence. And then the boy offers, "he, um, passed gas." The art teacher says, "now that's better, but that's not what I smell. What do I smell?" And another W.K. in the classroom, who was apparently thinking real hard about the teacher's previous question shouts, "He cut the cheese!"

There's a little confusion for a minute, but then the kids realize it was the air freshener that the art teacher smelled. And they're trying to explain that their teacher sprays everybody's bottoms when someone farts and that they were just trying to be helpful because, after all, they've got a Farter in their class! (The Farter just tries to blend in and look normal at this point.) The art teacher, once she understands what's going on, concludes the conversation by saying, "Well, OK then. If you need to spray air freshener after someone passes gas, then you just need to tell me first. I don't want to oppose anything your teacher tells you to do, even if it's spraying chemicals on people's behinds, but I've got to tell you the truth. I prefer natural... air... to whatever is in that bottle." Then, with the authenticity lecture completely forgotten, they get to work.

Substitute Teacher Fakes Employment

2007-10-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

What I'm wondering is, did he keep the students in line?

If the application procedure was anything like with CPS, I completely understand bucking the system...

... although the lack of pay is somewhat confusing...

Via KauaiMark

Alarm Clock Woes and MORE Fast Food Fears

2007-10-12T15:45:00.001-05:00

Today was the beginning of my 2 week stint at a neat private school. Given that I haven't been getting any jobs recently, I was not used to being at work at 8am. So this morning at 6:45, I couldn't figure out what that strange, scary noise was that woke me from my peaceful slumber (all 5 hours of it... the insomnia hit last night). Totally confused about where I was, what time it was, and what was going on, I started smacking aimlessly at the alarm clock by my bed, despite the fact that I've been using my cell phone's alarm for the past 9 months. Hitting the real alarm clock caused the radio to turn on. Then I was REALLY confused, and continued smacked at it with eyes half open until the radio turned off. I continued to wonder what that godforsaken blaring noise was, until I remembered that it was indeed my cell phone. Mornings can be a little rough for me.

The rest of my day went significantly better for the following reasons (god I love lists):

The school I'm working at has coffee in the lobby
The creamer by the coffee has a vanilla flavor (yum!)
We began the day by watching Super Size Me, and it lasted until lunch time
I didn't forget my lunch this time
The teachers here all talk to me!
After lunch the kids played educational computer games for an hour
After computer time they had PE and Science, neither of which were my responsibility
Then they went home.

All in all, it was an easy Friday.

I don't think I'll belabor this post, but I do have a few final points, also in list form.

Teacher culture can be pretty annoying. There was at least one conversation that began with, "There was an episode of Friends where..." Another conversation ended with, "I've determined that anyone who works in this building and has a penis is pretty much worthless."

I really like these kids. They're all slightly weird (more on this as the job goes on), but well-behaved. It's just that they're operating at 2+ grade levels lower than average kids. Here, you can tell a 6th grader to zip her mouth and she not only acts it out but gives you the "key" and then mumbles until you give it back to her. It makes teaching sex ed a little more complicated, I imagine, but it's interesting nonetheless.

After watching and discussing Super Size Me and then in science class watching a Discovery Education video on obesity, I have seriously lost my appetite.

Other Substitute Systems

2007-10-08T22:03:00.000-05:00

My roommate was asking me tonight about how the automated phone system works for CPS substitute teachers, and I responded by comparing it to the system in the county I used to work for. It makes for a kind of nitty-gritty post, but I think this stuff is kind of interesting.

At CPS, you call Sub Services (a largely automated system) 1-2 days in advance to mark your availability. Early in the morning on the day you're available or perhaps even the day before, you supposedly get a call from CPS (also automated), offering you a job. If you don't answer the phone call, you have to call in your availability again.

Now, in some ways I think this is a great system because all you have to do on mornings you have to work is wake up when your phone rings and then get your ass to class. But there are all kinds of factors that this system doesn't account for. My roommate was asking, for example, how substitutes are prioritized in the system, because someone has to get the first call when an opportunity arises. I'm assuming that those who have been employed longest with CPS get the first call, but what about prioritizing those with education degrees? Or those who state their availability first? There's also no taking into account the specialties that substitute teachers have. I enjoy special ed classes and I do not make a good chemistry teacher, for example. But I get what I get in this system, which is too bad.

When I was working in my old sub job, I thought their system was really terrible, but now I appreciate it a little more. Instead of calling in your availability in advance, you got up about about 6:00 am (for high school) and immediately called the substitute office. You were immediately placed on hold, often for 30-40 minutes. This part sucked. Let me be clear that I am NOT an early riser, so it was all I could do to punch in the numbers and lay back down with the hold music in my ear and try not to roll over onto my phone, thus hanging up and having to start the process over again. Actually, the worst part of the whole ordeal was that every day the hold music was the same... I think it was about 2 recorded phrases from the Blue Danube or Pachelbel's Canon or something clichéd like that. That's bad enough, except that about every 20 seconds you would hear a gigantic, horrendous recorded static noise over the music, which meant that honestly, lying peacefully in bed as you wake up was not an option.

But the good part of that system was that once you got through the hold music/wake-up challenge, you got to speak to a real, live person, whose job I would never in a million years want. And I'm obviously not one to be picky about jobs. Anyway, you give them your employee number and they punch it into their computer, and they come up with a list of jobs that are prioritized based on proximity your home address! And then they narrow it down by asking do you want high school or middle or elementary, and then they say, "How about 5th grade teacher, Sherwood Elementary? Ok, I've got physical education at Mayflower Middle. Oh, they're also looking for an art teacher today. You want the phys ed? Thank you, hold please." And then they connect you to the automated system that reads your job and all instructions that the teacher left by voicemail. Pretty sweet!

Those of you in education, how do your systems work? Are they useful? Do you try to get around them?

P.S. I got a 2 week job at the private school that's awesome but doesn't pay shit, starting at the end of the week. So I won't have to keep making up topics to blog about. Hooray!

(Note that I have no idea what that diagram at the top of the post IS, exactly. But I do love input-output diagrams.)

Plans to Not Starve II

2007-10-07T01:39:00.000-05:00

I'm still hoping to primarily substitute teach for the time being, but I couldn't wait any longer to start making money. Fortunately, I just landed a job at a new Asian bistro that's opening soon in my 'hood. Sub and sushi is therefore the new "current plan."

It's nice working for a restaurant that is just opening. Everyone is really excited. You get input regarding the uniform/dress code. There's actual training (maybe) before you start. And most importantly, they have martini-tasting nights with the staff, which is where I'm coming from tonight. It's a rough life.

Newsflash: CPS Drops the Ball

2007-10-05T12:42:00.000-05:00

Word on the street is that CPS's phone system is messed up... and that I haven't been getting calls because the automated system that's supposed to call me every morning isn't doing it's job. Insert CPS bureaucracy joke-of-choice here.

This is what they told me at Sub Services today. Last time I called, they told me that it was just the beginning of the year and I shouldn't expect to get calls.

So, you're supposed to call 773/553.1020 the day before you are available to work and give your information to a real, live person. I'm not getting my hopes up yet, but we'll see.

Anyone have plans for Columbus weekend? I will be here and here.

When I'm Not Working, I Wish I Was at Work

2007-10-03T15:36:00.002-05:00

Bah, still hardly any jobs. Really, I might need to start taking up alms, signing up for sleep/drug studies, or get a *shutter* service job. I heard that the U of C has an awesome drug study where they pay you to take speed and watch 80's movies. I just might sign up.

For now though, I'm faxing my resume, teaching license, etc. to some charter high schools near by, as they appear to be looking for subs fairly often. Here's hoping. But before that, I will continue my habit of writing whiny posts when I have nothing better to do.

Nothing better to do?, you ask. Indeed. Here's what I would be doing otherwise (many of which have already been checked off my to-do list today):

-watching the weeds grow in my "yard" and sometimes pulling a few out, just to show them I'm not completely oblivious, even if I am tolerant of their presence. (check) ... I sometimes handle classrooms in the same way, for the record.
-making massive quantities of hummus (check)
-watching my blog counter increase (I have readers!) (check)
-reading other education blogs, generally more serious than my own (check)
-sleeping (check)
-being insomniac
-scheming ways to get rich off of arts and crafts projects
-frantically job searching for both part time and full time gigs (check)
-showing up late for tutoring interviews (ok, this only happened once)
-coming up with excuses for being late to a freaking interview
-capitalizing on all opportunities to booze for free (I've got a surprisingly large number of them)
-obsessively reading over my last post (the Ralphie stories happen to be my MOST favorite!) (check)
-making cupcakes for teachers

OK, I might be exaggerating a bit, and that last one was a downright lie. I don't make cupcakes for anybody. I know the list might make me seem like one big fat loser, but that's just for comedic effect. In fact, things are going quite well for me, except for the moments when I look at my bank accounts and go catatonic for a while. I can't complain too much though. I might starve next month, but I bet some of you would be happy to trade places with for a few days, especially those of you who really like hummus and free booze.

The sad thing is I can't even ask you teachers out there (all you thousands of CPS teachers who obviously tune in to SubChicago every day) if you can put me on your substitute list... because then I would no longer be anonymous. And anyway, you probably wouldn't want someone writing about how good/bad/weird your students were for the sub, not to mention what I found in your desk drawers.

I Don't Do Doggy Puppets.

2007-10-01T23:51:00.000-05:00

Still not working everyday, but I was thinking this weekend about my last job with the bazillion kids and how messing with their routine really pisses them off. I experienced this firsthand in my old sub job, on the only day that I taught first grade.

As I've said, I usually taught high school because the schedule was sweeter and, call me crazy, but at times I actually like hormonal 15 year olds. One day, though, I had the opportunity to teach at my old elementary school for the first grade teacher, which sounded like fun. It was kind of a disaster.

At the time, I didn't realize the whole kids-really-do-need-regularity thing. Sure, I did my best to follow the teacher's instructions exactly, but it's hard when kids have 15 minute attention spans and you've got'em for a full 6 hours, minus Spanish class. You can't have a lesson that lasts more than 45 minutes, and with the young kids, lessons are a lot shorter than that. Instructions for substitute teachers can verge on novel length because the day is just packed with activities.

Anyway, the teacher of this particular first grade class left me very specific directions for how to do their morning routine (letter from teacher, date, day of the week, alphabet letter, birthdays, weather, etc.). In case you didn't know, the morning routine is sacred for little kids. It's how they learn that everything is safe, because it's in its right place. Today is Thursday because yesterday was Wednesday. Today's letter is F, and tomorrow's will be G. We know it's partly cloudy because we can look out our window and see. Kids are really into this shit.

So, the teacher's instructions read, "Go over the morning routine using the dog puppet, 'Ralphie.'" Cute, I'm thinking. So once I introduce myself and the kids settle down on the carpet, I grab this big dog puppet and get started. "Grood morning, Kids! Ret's begin the morning routine," I say in my best doggy voice, which sounds a little like the dog on the Jetsons. Whose name, for the record, is Astro.

My friendly hello is met first with silence. Then with looks of confusion. Then smirks. I did not envision this response to the morning routine. I press on, figuring their teacher's best doggy voice is not the same as mine. Beginning again I say, "Rey, it rooks rike Ms. Baker reft you a retter on the chalk bo---" I stop there, because a very serious looking 6 year old is now raising her hand. She looks like she means business. "Yes, do you have a question?" I ask in my normal voice. She looks me in the eye and says solemnly, "Ralphie. Doesn't. Talk." The rest of the first graders are all shaking their little heads matter-of-factly and looking at me like I really screwed up. It's one of the more embarrassing things I think I've ever experienced, these kids glaring at me like I'm completely out of my mind for thinking that a puppet would actually talk them through the morning routine. God, what an idiot.

Well damn, I'm thinking. Your beloved teacher Ms. Baker didn't bother to point out that using Ralphie to do the morning routine only meant using him as a pointing stick or something. In fact, just how is one supposed to "use the dog puppet" in the morning routine if he doesn't talk you kiddies through it? Is he just supposed to nod his head and wag his tail when one of you figures out that it's Thursday? And for god's sake, couldn't you guys just play along for me this one time?

I didn't say any of those things, of course. I just stuttered, "Oh. Um, ok sorry," and went on with it in my regular voice. But that's how I learned that kids really, REALLY need to stick to one routine, and if you fuck it up because you don't know that dog puppets don't talk, you lose all credibility as an intelligent grown-up.

*******

The postscript to this heartwarming little story is that Ralphie caused me trouble once more before the end of the day, the scruffy bastard. I quickly abandoned him after we made it past the weather, leaving him draped over my chair while I tried to forget about my earlier faux pas. Well they'd been working individually on their "Adding with Money" worksheet for about five minutes when the cutest, teeniest, blondest-haired, bluest-eyed little girl in the classroom*, who couldn't even say her R's yet, walks up to the chair where I'm sitting and firmly taps me on the shoulder. I look at her and smile, ready to hear about why she looks so concerned.

"You'we sitting on Walphie." She says disdainfully.

Needless to say, I don't do doggy puppets anymore.

* Note that I do NOT generally think the blonde ones are the most adorable... it's just that this one was ridiculously cute. Downy fabric softener cute. You totally know what I mean.

35 5 year olds...

2007-09-28T17:12:00.001-05:00

... should pretty much never be in one room together. Ever. They definitely should not be in one kindergarten classroom together, all day, and be expected to learn something. And even if it turns out that 35 5 year olds are expected to be educated in the same room from September-June, they should not, under any circumstances, be assigned a random teacher who is not their beloved kindergarten teacher for one day on the third week of school. Today, I was that random teacher.

These poor kids... I honestly felt bad for them. They're just getting the hang of the full-day schedule. They're soaking up information like sponges at this age, and that's got to be terribly exhausting. They LOVE running on a schedule. They've just started to feel safe in this big, huge school where mom is nowhere to be found. And by god, here comes some crazy woman whom they don't know, and she doesn't realize that FIRST they do the weather, and THEN they do the date. And she doesn't know the songs they sing every day, and she keeps mixing up Jonah and Edward, and she uses meaningless signals to be quiet, and she has no idea who's going to after school today, and ... and... she's not the teacher! And they love their teacher!

Poor kiddies. It was a rough day for them. It was a rough day for me too. I'll spare you all the details, but this 35 kid class included 2 autistic kids (one is mysteriously undiagnosed, but it was obvious to me as well as the autism specialist) and one with serious temper tantrums. We plugged along today. The good moments were when I read them stories and they were all quiet, on the edge of their seats, wondering how granny was going to survive being eaten by that tricky wolf. The tough moments were having to deal with the tantrum kid throwing himself on the floor while kids at 2 other tables were having social problems ("Miss! Miss! Samiah said she hates Katy!"), and 3 kids ran up to me to show off the play-doh BLOBS they were working hard on... dropping little bits into the carpet as they went... and the severely autistic kid ran around the room screaming his head off and pulling bins down from all the shelves. All I really had to threaten them with was the traffic light method of monitoring behavior. If kids are bad, I can move their names to yellow, then red. But as an outsider, I don't really know what red means, or the extent to which some kid will be devastated when I move their name to red. I suppose I could have used one kid as an example to find out, but I was afraid it would be the first time any of the kids had gotten a red light... so they only got yellows for the day. I'm so soft.

I never know what kind of note to leave the teacher on days like this. When I used to sub, I'd give a bunch of boldfaced lies about what a pleasure the kids were. At the time, I was usually teaching high school, and the schedule was so sweet (3 hour PAID planning periods, anyone?) that I didn't care how bad the kids were. But now I feel a little more responsibility, given that this is the only public school that's actually calling me in. And possibly because I care more about giving the kids a decent education while their teacher is away. Maybe. So I talked about who was good and who was bad, and summed it up with something like, "My impression is that, given this new circumstance where their regular teacher is sick for the first time this year, their ability to manage their behavior slipped somewhat." Um, yeah.

Multiplication Lattices and Fast Food Grossness

2007-09-27T14:39:00.000-05:00

Another good-but-sufficiently-weird day. I'm lucking out so far.

As mentioned, I was at a school for learning/emotionally disabled kids today. It's not a public school, which means I didn't find out the pay rate until the end of the day, and the pay rate is $12 per hour. Honestly, Moms in the city pay their babysitters higher wages, but work is work. And hey, it was an awesome school, or "controlled environment" as one of the teachers called it.

There are 2-3 teachers in each classroom of about 9 children. Everyone gets personal attention. Even I, an eavesdropper, learned a new way to multiply multiple digit numbers! (I swear I never learned the Lattice Method in school. This is revolutionary.)

So I spent the day with 5th and 6th graders, tackling readings about cocoa beans and doing multiplication worksheets. Even the kid who got distracted every third word was easy to handle, and ALL the kids were super cool to talk to. They were reading the book Chew On This, a kiddie version of Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. During reading time, this really cool kid (you know him- the short wiry kid with the longish hair, cargo pants, and a goofy smile) kept trying to gross me out by informing me that bugs are in artificial food coloring and meat is in McDonald's french fries. Then the kids start an impromptu discussion about a lawsuit against McDonald's in Bombay and how preservatives exacerbate a number of health issues. Lest you think these kids are some erudite super-breed, know that at about every other sentence they're interjecting, "Sick! I am never eating fast food AGAIN!" Score one for language arts class.

The only downside of the day, other than the pay rate, was that I was finished subbing at 11:15 and no one told me until 2:15. I thought I'd have another class (I was subbing for various teachers during parent-teacher conferences), but I didn't. Everyone probably wondered why I was hanging around all day like I had nothing better to do... whoops.

(Tangent: while I was looking for images to post here, I was reminded of my most favorite McDonald's advertisement... the infamous "I'd Hit It" ad banner. I love that the corporate marketers, who work really hard to connect with an urban audience, apparently had no idea that "I'd hit it" means "I'd have sex with it." IE, Man-on-sandwich love. Incredible.)

I Swear I'm Not Making It Up

2007-09-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

Had beers with a friend tonight who is also working his way through the bowels of CPS as he claws his way towards a sub card. (I ask you again, why don't they just call them ID badges?) I think we both had this revelatory moment of, "that application process sucked for you? For like 2 months?" "Yeah! Me too!".... it was great. Or maybe it was the cheap beer we were drinking. Anyway, it's nice to hear stories from the battlefield from those who understand that I'm not even exaggerating about this shit.

He's smarter than me though-- he faxed his teaching certificate to all the charter schools, and he's getting work even before he finishes the application process! I'm such a tool, trying to play by the rules and thinking the system will work for me.

Those beers might have been a bad idea, given that all day tomorrow I'm going to be rotating classrooms at a school for learning and emotionally disabled students. I think I'll be stopping somewhere for coffee on the way.

[Tangent: When I was talking about my blog tonite, another friend overheard the title and thought my BDSM life was the topic of this foray into the blogosphere. He was rather surprised, until he realized what we were actually talking about. But hey, maybe I'll get some traffic from misdirected members of that community, or better yet, folks who fall into both demographics. All subs welcome.]

Plans to Not Starve

2007-09-25T20:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm coming to grips with the fact that it might take a few weeks to start getting regular-ish calls to substitute teach (though I've already gotten some emails from folks looking for a long term sub!). This has led me to look for positions as as after school tutor, since it would be really great to be able to eat this month. Lo and behold, not only do there appear to be a zillion tutoring opportunities on Craigslist, but they pay really well. Like, $35-45 per hour, well. Granted, you're only tutoring for 1.5-4 hours each afternoon, but for someone like me, that's a lot of money.

Does anyone know if it's as good as it sounds? Until I hear tales from the trenches, I'm going to be PSYCHED. Otherwise, just call me guinea pig, because I swear I'm going to start partaking in medical/psychological studies at a local university. They pay too, though I imagine there might be a few more side effects.

Note: posts may not be daily for the next few weeks... we'll see how it goes.

Image:
guinea pig

Too Many Healthy Teachers...

2007-09-24T11:56:00.001-05:00

Well CPS, you don't make it very easy for me to blog about my job. I suppose I should have expected not to get many assignments to start, but hell if I couldn't use the money.

I'm finding myself torn between hoping teachers get sick and realizing that's not a very nice thing to want. I'm going to feel kind of guilty if there's a food poisoning scare in some local teacher's lounge due to the fact that the teachers confiscated a bunch of birthday cupcakes. Then again, they're on salary.

Will update.

The Sub Survival Bag

2007-09-21T00:30:00.000-05:00

My indispensable weapon for success. Contents include:

Sweater. Classrooms are either 85 degrees or 61 degrees, with no correlation to the temperature ouside.
Water bottle. Heaven forbid I drink from the same grimy water fountains that the kids suck on. (Why can't they learn not to touch it with their mouths?)
Sub card, also known as an ID badge.
Wallet. With cash for vending machines in case that's the only food I can get during my lunch break.
Notebook. To list every sub job I get and what schools/classrooms I will never again visit.
Aspirin. Because kids give me headaches.
Comfy shoes/change of clothes. In case I am assigned to a gym/art class.
Tea bags and a travel mug. You don't have time for coffee beforehand if you're called in that morning.
A banana. This one is problematic, because I often forget to eat it, and it gets all brown and smelly inside my bag.
Books. There's nothing to do during free periods when the teacher has logged out of his/her computer and you don't care to interact in the teacher's lounge.
Phone. See above re: free periods.

And by the way, teacher's lounges suck. I always look for them in hopes that they've got a coffee maker. They always have a coffee maker. It is rarely in use. Before I brought a travel mug along, sometimes I would look for shared mugs that teachers use. They ALWAYS have shared mugs. And they're ALWAYS filthy- either not washed out for 3 months and have moldy coffee rings, or have weird white minerals all along the inside, like the school's water comes from a hot spring or something. There's always a small refrigerator that may or may not be turned on, but it ALWAYS smells like mold. There's a couple of ratty looking chairs and a particle board coffee table. There are blank white cinder block walls with a lame poster of one variety or another. There are old newspapers on the counter. And if you go during lunch time, there are a bunch of teachers complaining like hell about their students.

Excerpts overheard in a REAL teacher's lounge:

Teacher #1: "God, these 6th graders are already starting to be real jerks. I can't wait to see what they're like in a few years."
Teacher #2: "James is going to drop out of school by age 15. I'm pretty sure."
Teacher #1: "Probably. God, Maria's going to be pregnant by that age. You'll see."

I was sitting there, eating my Easy Mac and being like, damn! These are the people we're charging with the task of educating our youth, and they're talking like that about their 11-12 year olds? Talk about self-fulfilling prophesies... I hate to think about how they treat those problem students if they're already chalking them up to future failure. Not to mention that this was during my old sub job, in a really wealthy county with great schools and super smart kids. Sure, there were some gangs and some drop-outs... it wasn't fucking Mayberry, but those kids had a far higher chance of success than many of the kids I'll be seeing in CPS schools.

That's why I generally spent my breaks in the classroom. With my survival bag.

hearing aids and orangy elbows

2007-09-20T17:00:00.000-05:00

My first day on the job was pretty ideal, I'd say. I got a call at 8:30 am to sub at one of the best K-8 schools in the city-- possibly THE best K-8 school in the city. It's the kind of school where the CPS officials send their kids, so you know this school's got what it needs. Although, ironically, they still make kids take part in the Innisbrook wrapping paper fund raiser/hoax, where kids get to make money for their school and win (lame) prizes for themselves. Even the special needs four year olds were sent home with paper samples to share with neighbors and other pitying folk... how fucked up is that?

Anyway. I was at the school by 9am and learned that my assignment for the day was playing lead teacher for a class of hearing impaired pre-K students. Given that the 30 minute lead time this morning meant I didn't have time for coffee (!) before I left home, I didn't fully comprehend at the time what a disaster this day could have been. Hearing impaired kids? And they're 3-4 years old? Despite my secret love for special needs children and my experience with preschoolers, I would be totally over my head on this one.

Luckily, though, the aid would be there all day, and he knew just what to do. He also happened to be a young, attractive Ghanaian guy who was great with the kids, so I was basically saved. He smiled hello and told me that for the next hour and a half, the kids would have play time. Sweet! Also, note that the class only had 8 kids. 1 was absent, and 1 went home after having problems with her bus driver. There were 2 adults in the classroom for 6 children. Bet you never thought you'd see those teacher-student ratios in CPS.

Our schedule for the day looked something like this:

9-10:30, play time
10:30-11, clean-up and snack time
11-11:45 recess
11:45-1 reading and lunch
1-2:15 nap time
2:15-3 snack and play time
3-3:30 recess

Basically, I was in daycare for the day. It was awesome. Mind you it wasn't quite easy-- all but 1 of the kids were practically non-verbal-- but when there are only 6 kids, things only get so far out of control. For those of you who think 6 kids is a lot, you obviously haven't been in a classroom with 30. Plus, these kids were TINY. So if they're doing something you don't like, you just grab them by their pampers and carry them somewhere that looks more boring.

Lest you think I didn't earn my keep there, I would like to tell you about one of the students. She was the only girl there that day, and we'll call her Kerry*. Kerry is the teeniest kid in the classroom. She is 3 years old and wears her hair in twists with huge plastic clips of various shapes. She's super smart-- she makes you think she's deaf when you yell her name to come over, but then when you yell "Kerry! Your mom is here!," that girl whips right around and come a-runnin'. The other teacher did this all day to get her attention. Ah, the cruel but effective early education teacher.

Kerry's hearing aid is stuck onto a red velcro headband, so she looks like a badass wearing a sweatband on her forehead all day long. Her pretty brown eyes bulge out of her little head, and she always looks like she has a mouth full of water because her cheeks are monstrous and her tongue is always sticking part way out of her mouth. Actually, she does always have a mouth full of water-- the girl drools more than a saint bernard. She's got this pink bib she wears all the time that says "I'd rather be at grandmas," and the thing is just soaked. The rest of her drool goes on everything else- down her chin, on the legos or crayons or playdoh she's holding, and onto the table or floor. It is some nasty shit. I couldn't stop laughing at it all day.

At lunch, Kerry ate an orange. Actually, all the kids did. CPS gave these 3-4 year olds off-season oranges to eat with their tater tots and chicken nuggets, which meant that my most difficult task of the day was having to open 6 fucking oranges that were hard as shit, all the while with 6 shrimpy kids pointing at THEIR oranges and looking really hungry. Did I say the oranges were hard as shit? They were, except for Kerry's. Kerry got the only juicy one. After they all held up their oranges at the exact same time and moaned their nonverbal moans at me and I struggled to open them all without breaking a nail, Kerry got started.

She picked up each individual section, put 80% of the section in her mouth but continued to hold the last 20% of the section with both hands. Think squirrel. Then she munched and sucked away on the piece until she had gotten some of the juice. I say "some of," because a great majority of the juice ran down both hands to the tip of her elbows, then dripped off to form orange juice puddles both on her dress and on the floor. She would then take the dried-out orange piece, put it back on her plate, and began again with a new piece. Keep in mind that when you're 3, it takes you at least 20 minutes to eat a fucking orange, even when someone else peels it for you. (She also wanted to eat the skins, but I pulled them out of her mouth.) I was going crazy trying to keep the girl dry... I sat next to her with a roll of paper towels for the whole 20 minutes and mopped up the damn puddles as they formed. I made her do a full body wipe-down after every section of the orange. I'm not kidding. But to no avail- she was sticky for the rest of the day. She had little orange pieces in her freaking hair. Also I forgot to mention that she must have fallen during recess #1, causing her perpetually wet grandma bib to become covered with dirt. The other adult in the room did not bother to fix this. Kerry went around wiping her face with the dirty bib for the rest of the afternoon.

Keep in mind that there were 5 other kids in the classroom in addition to Miss Slobbery. Nevertheless, this was decidedly a good day. I'm sure I'll post about the bad days sometime quite soon.

ps. tonight, i prepare my Sub Bag, to be taken along at all jobs. I will discuss the contents in a forthcoming post.

*ALL student names, teacher names, room numbers, school names, etc. have been changed. Duh.

Images:

Anatomy of a hearing aid.
Special needs dolls.

The Application Process

2007-09-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

A few of you good folks have recently asked me, "but how can I become a substitute teacher in Chicago?" You'll wish you hadn't asked.

Step #1: Go here and here and also here. What's that, you say? It says at the top of the page that they are no longer accepting substitute teacher applications for the school year? Call the number at the bottom and double check... it might not be the case. If you have an education degree or something like it, be sure to tell them! It made the difference for me. Note that if you do not have a degree in education, you will probably have to take a comprehension test to make sure you're not a complete idiot. I can't help you on this one, but it probably isn't that hard. You might have to pay money to take it. It may or may not be an online test.

Step #2: Oh, you don't have the teaching license they're talking about? Don't worry. it isn't a regular teaching license. It requires $50, some paperwork, and a trip to the Thompson Center- that ever-cool but energy-inefficient glass architectural disaster across from the Daily Center. The one with the weird Dubuffet sculpture in front. Presto-change-o, you are now licensed to spend your days getting paid to be alone with other people's kids. Kind of scary, eh?

Step #3: Got your sub certificate? Good. Now head down to 125 S Clark for more paperwork. Call ahead to double check what forms or ID or transcripts you need to bring. In fact, do this before completing EVERY STEP, keeping in mind that there are 3 locations you will be frequenting to apply for this job, and thus at least 3 phone numbers that you will want on your speed dial. At 125 S Clark, you convince them again that you're eligible to apply for a job. Then you show them your temporary certificate (the real one will come in the mail in a week or so) and they give you a form that you will give to people who do your background check.

Step #4: It would make far too much sense to have your background check completed in the same building as all the rest of the application process. In fact, it would make far too much sense to get the background check in the same zip code as the rest of the process. Yes, far too logical. But this is CPS we're talking about, and they like for people to jump through many hoops. Big, fiery ones. So instead of finding a reasonable place for the background check (and lots of other HR stuff) office, they put it... smack in the middle of the pork packing district, at 320 N Elizabeth.

It's the Fulton Market area, but a few blocks north of where the trendy restaurants and galleries are to be found. Let me say that a few blocks make a hell of a difference. When I went by train, I had to walk at least 1/2 a mile from the station to get to the building. It was surrounded by abandoned factories with barbed wire, construction zones, doggy daycares, and a shit ton of butchers. THIS is the location of the CPS Human Resources office? Indeed it is. And they make you go not once, but 3 times. First time is now- you go and wait in their line and show them that form that the people on Clark gave you. Tell them you want a background check AND a substitute application packet. They'll ask why you didn't get an application packet before. You'll say because the directions on the CPS website told you to get it from them (but, come to think of it, you should ask for the packet at the Clark address too). You'll get fingerprinted by a nice guy who finds a way to make you feel sort of special because he tells you he's taking care of you and your fingerprints, even though you're the 137th person he's seen that day. It was the highlight of my afternoon.

Step #5: Fill out the paperwork they give you and be sure you have a transcript for your bachelors and any other education degrees you have. Go get a physical and a TB test. This will cost you about $60 if your insurance is anything like mine. Make sure your physician fills out the form. You have to go back to the doctor to have your TB test read in 48 hours- don't forget like I did.

Step #6: Wait and wait. They say they'll call you when your background check comes back, and they say it takes a week or 2. They lie. It took over a month for mine to come through. Finally I called and they said it was ready. I got the call the day after to say it was ready, so I do have some confidence that you aren't actually expected to call in and check (they tell you not to, but you never know if this might be one of those fiery hoops).

Step #7: Once you get/make the call, go BACK to 320 N. Elizabeth to turn in your paperwork, get a copy of your background check results (I think?), meet with someone who puts you in the system, and take a photo for your ID. The person you speak with will look everything over and probably give you more paperwork. Make SURE that this person knows you are an educator, if you are one. Make SURE he or she types you into the system correctly, and with the correct pay rate- something like $96 per day for general substitutes and $124 per day for people like me who have education degrees (score!).

Step #8: For some unknown reason, you have to go back to the address on Clark. There, all they do is ask you which schools you want to work in. Your choices are "North v. South," "East v. West," and "K-8 v. high school." You cannot choose more than one of any choice. They ask you to wait 5-7 days to enter you into the system (even though someone at Elizabeth St. already did that) before you get calls to substitute teach.

Step #9: Technically, you are now employed as a substitute teacher for CPS. Congratufuckinglations. You must now whore yourself out to schools. Do not expect the automated system to call you for a while... you are at the bottom of the stack. Instead, bring a cover letter, resume, and copies of your sub teaching certificate (and your proof of employment, until you get your ID) to all the schools in your neighborhood. Look kid-friendly, look professional, be nice to every single person you pass. You will give your documents to the front office ladies. Do NOT brush off these ladies. They are, without a doubt, the most powerful people in the school. They are also likely the ones who choose to call you when Mrs. Miller gets pneumonia. They will accept your documents and say nothing more than "thanks, we'll call you." They may not call you, but then again, they may.

Step #10: So then, you should be done with the CPS employment office, right? Oh wait, that would be too easy. While you can technically begin whoring yourself off to schools at this point and getting your own jobs or eventually using the automated system, you still have to go back ONE MORE TIME to the Elizabeth St. address to pick up your photo ID. You are supposed to call a special number and see whether it is ready. No one will ever pick up this call. The voicemail will invite you to leave a message, and the mailbox will be full. You will call the main number at Elizabeth St., and they will try calling the same special number. They will tell you they can't get through, and you should just come in to see whether your ID is ready. They will apparently not, under any circumstances, walk the 20 feet necessary over to the ID desk and ask the worker why she does not answer her phone.

Some final points:

You will be paying at least $ 110 to apply for this job, based on my estimates.
You will be putting a good amount of money into the CTA in order to get where you need to go to apply for this job.
It will take at least 1 month and likely 2 to finish the application process.
Other than making sure you're not a child abuser, no one examines your qualifications to, well, teach. But then, I guess that's not entirely the point when you're a sub.
Early on in the process, you should call the private/charter schools in your neighborhood. They have separate application processes. You might have to get a second background check from the SAME address at Elizabeth St. Try to do them at the same time so you only need one. If you wait more than 24 hours for the second, you need to be re-finger-printed. Because you could have killed someone in those 24 hours.

Diversion regarding bullet point #2: I seriously lucked out here. As a non-car owning Chicagoan, I was prepared to pay the CTA costs. But miraculously, during my third trip to the Elizabeth St. office, I went to put more money on my Chicago Card, and the machine told me that I had already maxed out my card at $410. Figuring the machine must be broken, I swiped it through the turnstile. Balance: $408. Holy shit! The public transportation gods have smiled upon me! Five times that day I used my card, and every time my card was subtracting from $410. Give that CTA doesn't have my credit card info and therefore can't deduct my windfall from my account (I don't think, although I need to check on this), I'm the luckiest commuter in the world.

Anyway, I hope this clears things up for those of you who mistakenly wanted to go through this process or once thought that perhaps CPS "wasn't all that bad."

Images:
Thompson Center.
320 N Elizabeth.
CPS ID card.

Morning Announcements

2007-09-19T16:57:00.000-05:00

Good morning, boys and girls. Welcome to my latest experiment, a blog about my experience as a substitute teacher in Chicago public (and other) schools. I know you're already jealous of my job, so I'm giving you a unique opportunity to peer into my classrooms and see what you're missing.

A brief introduction. I used to sub for one of the wealthiest and best educated counties in America. I wish I had blogged then, because I came home every day with stories about my students, the schools, and feats of spontaneity that are required to be a sub... (get a call at 7am. Be asked to show up by 7:30am. Run around the school until 7:45 trying to find classroom, refrigerator for lunch-if you had time to pack it, bathroom, etc. Classes began at 7:40. Day proceeds much like this). Recently I got a master's degree in the field of Education (I don't have a teaching certificate because I don't want one), and now I'm subbing until I get a job that provides health benefits.

In the meantime, I do enjoy substitute teaching. Your primary goal as a sub in CPS is to keep students from hurting themselves or you. Most days, you are successful. Beyond that, you try and keep the noise level down and attempt to get 30 8 year olds (or 15 year olds... pick your poison) to do something productive.

Despite a snarky outlook, I hope it's clear that I honestly enjoy the children and schools I work with. I may make fun of them, but it's all out of love. At least most of the time.

Now, will you please stand for the pledge of allegiance, in both English and Spanish...